Page 45 of AJ’s Fire

“You’re really willing to do this again? With me?”

“Jackson, yes! Let’s stipulate that I really, really enjoyed what we did tonight, and that I really, really want to do it again.”

I tested the waters with a little joke. I moved my head to look out the front window even though it was curtained. He didn’t look up, but he could feel me do it. “I’m thinking we can even do it a few more times before they clear the roads in the morning, and we have to get to the station.” That made him tighten up again, God damn it. “And then when we get home, I’d very much like to keep exploring this. I’m not hooking up with anyone else. I don’t want to hook up with anyone else. Let’s figure this shit out, together, okay?”

“Fuck buddies,” he muttered.

I wasn’t sure if it was a comment or a question, and frankly, the way my heart was pounding at the mere thought of bringing this aspect of our relationship into our everyday lives, I wasn’t sure fuck buddies was exactly what I was after. But like I’d told him, my priority was him and his needs. If that’s what he wanted, that’s what I’d be.

I squeezed him tight. “Yeah, sure, man. If that’s what you want. Fuck buddies.”

We stared at the fucking fire some more before I prodded Jackson into sharing the snack platter with me. We ate quietly. I felt like we had so much more to say. I just didn’t know how to say it.

Eventually, Jackson continued. “I’m not ready to come out. With my family, it’s complicated. And at the station, it will be complicated. And with our friends … I’m just not ready. I know your family will probably throw a pride parade or something, but mine … I need more time.”

“I’m in no hurry, Jax. And I’m not going anywhere. We got this.” He snuggled back into me without compunction or hesitation, and my heart soared. Even with all of the things we had done that evening, I don’t think any of them held a candle to breathing in and out in silence, staring at the fireplace, with Jackson willingly nestled in my arms.

When he slumped involuntarily, I slipped out from under him and cleared the coffee table of our late-night snack.

Jackson rallied and went to the fire to put it out, and we met by the stairs. I reached a hand out and implored, “Let’s get some sleep.” Jackson nodded, and we took the stairs shoulder to shoulder, me clinging to his hand. I felt him hesitate when we arrived at the upstairs landing, so I took the lead, dragging Jackson toward the guest bedroom. “Go use the bathroom first.” I let go of his hands. “I’m going to straighten up that bed.”

Jackson came in a minute later, hesitant as ever as I was turning down one corner of the sheets I had straightened up. “Be right back,” I promised, then I practically ran past him, eager to take care of business and get back to the room. Jackson was standing where I’d left him when I returned.

I came up behind him and wrapped him in my arms. “We’re gonna have to pick sides.”

That got a tired little chuckle out of him. “Since I graduated to a bottom bunk, you always take the bed to the left at the station. It'd be weird facing you from the other side.”

“Right. Window for you. Door for me. I checked the weather. We shouldn’t have a problem getting back in the morning if we leave some time for them to clear the roads. I’ll set my alarm. We’re really gonna need to wash the bedding before we go.” I raised my eyebrows, and Jackson scoffed.

I gave him an encouraging little push toward the bed, and he rounded it to the far side. There may have been another second of hesitation, or maybe it was shock, as he reached for the sheets and climbed in. I climbed in next to him, and for the first time in five years, I held my best friend in my arms as we fell asleep.

We woke up in each other’s arms too, but Jackson started in immediately on getting the place tidied up and talking about getting home. We’d eaten all the snacks Jax had bought the night before and didn’t have a plan for breakfast.

I was cleaning out the fireplace when Jackson came from the kitchen, mug in hand. “I can heat up a can of soup?”

I tilted my head as I grabbed the mug of black coffee from him. Jackson knew I wouldn’t want any nondairy creamer options with their shelf life of a year. “How about we grab drive-through on our way out of town?”

“There’s a donut place just past the exit. You can follow me, then we’ll loop back to the highway.”

We kept busy cleaning up and doing laundry, and once we’d made the bed, we left. Jackson was ahead of me and called from the road to ask for my carryout order.

“My treat. Wait in the parking lot.”

After we were situated and I had real coffee with real milk in it to fuel me, we were back on the road for the trip to the city. We had danced around each other all morning and hadn’t done anything other than clean the cabin.

I was trying to read Jackson’s cues and do what he wanted, but I also knew that what we both wanted was for this not to fuck up our friendship. I called him from the road.

“Seriously, bro. What is Emily’s deal? She insisted I be her date and then practically shoved me at you instead.”

Jackson laughed. “I don’t think there's any ‘practically’ about it. She was pushing me so hard to find a date, a male date, for New Year’s Eve. I think she …” He paused. “I think she wanted to make sure you had a date so that it would be harder for me to show up stag. Or maybe … Maybe she thought she was calling my bluff …” Jackson trailed off and didn’t finish the thought. I guessed what he meant was that Emily was trying to force his hand where I was concerned. He’d admitted he was attracted to me, but did that mean he wanted more from me than to explore this new physical facet of our relationship? I let it go, reluctant to have a serious talk with Jackson over speaker phone.

We’d only been in our respective cars for a few minutes, and I already wished we were together. I pictured us driving home from the cabin in one car, like we’d done a million times, only holding hands while we fought over control of the radio, laughing, and sneaking kisses at stoplights. Jackson may not have been ready for more, but I could see a future where he and I were together. I would have to help Jackson through his issues so we could figure out all the rest.

“That makes sense. I guess. I know you said you’re not ready to come out, but I’m guessing Emily already knows?”

“Yeah.”

“You know it doesn’t matter to me if you tell her about us.”