Page 13 of AJ’s Fire

I was secretly glad that AJ’s work schedule meant I wouldn’t see him before Thanksgiving, but I returned to town anyway to keep Emily company since she was working through Wednesday.

On Wednesday afternoon, we were hanging out in my apartment, having decided it would be better to travel Thursday morning and avoid at least some of the holiday traffic.

“Or I could ask Daddy if we could use the chopper.”

“Do you hear yourself, Emily?”

“Sorry, Mr. Middle-class Fireman. We’ll take your sad little Ferrari instead.”

“Touché.”

I was grabbing our carryout from a delivery person at my door when I heard the words “five alarm” over the police scanner that quietly mumbled in my kitchen. I raised the volume and started unpacking Chinese food. AJ’s shift was almost over, but it sounded like he and the crew were headed out to tackle a serious blaze. I kept an ear on the scanner as I gathered up plates and silverware.

A few short minutes later, the scanner started blaring about needing additional ambulances. “Ten forty-four,” came the scratchy voice. “We’ve got firefighters in the building.”

“Fuck!” I grabbed my wallet, yelled to Emily, and took off down the street.

I arrived on the scene to an image I had seen a hundred times by that point. Like that fire at my grandparents, everything was engulfed, black smoke billowing, reds and yellow dancing hungrily, chasing each other as they consumed everything they could reach.

Our chief was on-site, and I ran to him, scanning the scene. I could feel the heat from where we stood.

“You're on vacation, Dorso. What are you doing here?” He barked orders over my shoulders to two EMTs who were helping an elderly woman walk toward the row of ambulances that lined the street.

“I heard the call come in and … are there injured? Where’s? …”

He looked right at me. “We believe she's the last of the civilians. Gordon and Ramirez are still inside,” he said gravely.

I took a half step forward, and the chief stepped in front of me.

“Stand down, firefighter. You're not in uniform.”

Looking over his shoulder, I nodded, taking a calming breath. “How can I help?”

He nodded in the direction of the ambulances, and I headed toward a curb where residents with minor injuries were lined up. One of my squad members passed by me, and for a split second, I thought about knocking him down and tearing off his turnout gear so that I could throw it on and enter the building.

A collective gasp occurred while I was erasing that thought from my brain, and I watched, heart in my throat, as someone way too small to be AJ emerged from the building. I couldn’t stop myself; I charged toward Freeda along with two EMTs and screamed at her as they helped her onto a gurney and administered oxygen.

“Where is he! Where is he!” Like a light switch had been flicked, I was suddenly hysterical. It was a feeling I’d never experienced before. But I’d never been on the outside looking in before. We’d always been together, partners. When things got sticky, it had always been him and me.

“Where is he!” My voice was hoarse, and I could only tell I was sobbing from the sounds that emitted from me.

“I don’t know, Jax! I don’t know. I lost him. I’m so sorry, Jax.”

Darren was there; his big arms wrapped around me, holding me back and out of the way as the EMTs administered to Freeda. I only knew it was Darren because he was talking directly in my ear, a soothing tone, words I couldn’t comprehend. I forcibly turned us so that we were facing the burning building. He held me firmly; afraid I would run. He wasn’t wrong.

A section toward one end of the building, though not the end Freeda had exited from, collapsed. I collapsed along with it, and Darren came down with me as we crumpled to the asphalt, watching and waiting.

My mind went blank except for one thought, an image, really, of AJ, the sun creating an otherworldly shimmer behind him, a tray of coffee in hand, and the most perfect smile on his perfect face.

Words were coming out of my mouth, and Darren was responding to them. There was movement all around us. The burning building was still in front of me, but at the same time, I saw the memory of a beautiful man walking toward me, all relaxed smiles and jovial retorts. I may have said out loud, “I’ve been in love with him from the start.”

Darren may have responded, “I know, Jax. It’s okay.”

“I have to tell him.” Darren’s hold on me tightened, and the world went silent. There was no more movement, no sound, no heat from the fire. There was only Darren’s arms holding me back, and the man with the tray of coffee coming toward me. But when I looked again, there was no cardboard tray. His arms were heavy at his sides, draped in a thick layer of fire-retardant material. There was no smile, only a helmet so grimy you wouldn’t know it was yellow. But the shimmer was there, the glow surrounding him as the flames framed his bedraggled body. Darren held on to me for a few more beats. As the world began to reform around me, and I began to struggle, he said in my ear, “A few more steps, Jax. It’s not safe.”

The EMTs were racing to him, but when Darren released me, I flew past them all. He threw his helmet to the ground as I reached him, my arms wrapping around him and holding him tight. I expected us to collapse as I had done once already, and I was poised to take his weight, but he grabbed me tight around my neck and buried his head in the crook of it.

“I’m alright. I’m alright,” he repeated over and over again.