Page 39 of HaL

A flicker outside catches my attention, and I turn toward the open viewer. Despite the cold that seems to seep through everything, there is no denying the beauty of the landscape beyond. I just wish it didn’t seem so determined to kill me.

HaL’s rough voice draws my attention back to the room.

“While Troza is working on your arm, Roja, I will see if I can attack the monsters that have tangled themselves into your fur. I have combs I would have used on myself when grooming, but I believe they would be too harsh for your fragile strands.”

I reach into a deep pocket of his coat and pull out two small brushes, holding them up for him to see. “SAGE to the rescue once again.”

Troza motions for me to sit, and because they are both so thoughtful, HaL moves the table so most of my body stays on my side of the membrane. That should keep the cold from becoming too intense while half of me is in and half is out.

I unhook the strap holding my arm against my chest and slowly lay it on the table. HaL adjusts my chair several times before pulling a stool up behind me, one I hadn’t noticed before. His large hands gather my long hair, and he gives it a gentle tug.

“Is your skin tender beneath your fur? Some can tolerate more pressure than others.”

“No. You could drag me around by my hair, and I wouldn’t notice. I was never a tender-headed girl.”

“HaL, be gentle around her left ear and cheek. That part of her skin is still healing.”

“Yes, Dam. I will refrain from tugging too hard.”

I glance up when HaL calls her that, only to see her freeze for a moment. A look of resignation settles over her face. I know that’s another word for mother, but HaL doesn’t seem to notice her discomfort as he continues separating my hair into sections.

I reach over and place my hand on top of her furry one, giving it a gentle squeeze. She looks at me and gives me a sad smile before turning her attention back to my arm and beginning to unwrap the casing around it. Then she starts talking.

“When I was still very young, my father decided it was time for me to depart from the cave. While I had stayed longer than my sisters, in truth, I had not found a reason to leave until that point. I had attended every gathering, participated in hunts extensively, and had met males from virtually every accessible ridge and cave on Hallister, but I never found my mate, nor did I find a male I believed worthy of sharing my life or the youngling I desperately hoped I would have.

From the time I was little more than a youngling myself, I had trained to become a healer. There were few, and I knew how desperately my kind needed those who were willing to take on that responsibility. I loved helping others, and I loved knowing that my hands could make a difference when someone was hurting or afraid. It seemed to complete me.

But I hated being alone.

I suppose that sounds strange coming from a Hallisteranian, especially considering how many of us prefer solitude. But I never did. Even though I had two sisters, the age gap was so wide that we were never close like some others raised together. I grew up watching them live lives that seemed just beyond my reach, and eventually I found myself wandering from ridge to ridge and cave to cave, searching for something I could not even name.

Perhaps I was searching for somewhere I belonged.

Even though we live on one of the most remote planets in the solar system, we were not completely cut off from the rest of the universe. We knew there were other worlds out there. We knew things happened beyond our skies. Monitoring and communication towers had been scattered across the planet long before the compound was ever built, giving us glimpses of a universe far larger than our little corner of it.

Then one rising, I found another female. It was completely by accident. I came across her in one of the back caverns just a tic before she was due to deliver, and the moment I saw her, I knew something was terribly wrong. She was weak, frightened, and so badly neglected that I was not sure either she or the youngling inside her would survive.

Her family had cast her out because she refused to name the male who had gotten her with child. They had left her alone to die simply because she would not betray him. I remember kneeling beside her. I can still see the fear in her eyes. And somehow, by some miracle, I got there in time.

I saved her.

I saved the male youngling.

But the moment I held that tiny, trembling body in my hands, something inside me changed.

He was so small. So helpless. His little fingers curled around mine, and I remember thinking that I wanted one. Not just any youngling. Mine.

I wanted someone who would reach for me when they were frightened. Someone who would know, without question, that I would always come when they called. I wanted little arms wrapped around me. I wanted to watch those first uncertain steps, hear those first words, wipe away tears, soothe nightmares, and somehow keep them safe from every cruel thing this universe could throw at them.

I wanted to be someone’s home.

But I did not want the struggles this female was going to have from this rising forward. I stayed with her until she healed, gave her practically every credit I had and then sent her to the outer region and told her to lie. Or to find the male that she sacrificed everything for and make it work.

But her circumstances and the want of my own child weighed heavily on me. I had no mate. Despite what I told myself, I could not simply choose one of the rogues as I had seen firsthand what happens when you choose foolishly, but I will not say the thought had not crossed my mind. Of course it had. I was lonely, and I wanted a child more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. But I could not do that to my youngling. I would not bring a child into this world already carrying a mark they had not earned.

I wanted my child to have every opportunity available. I wanted them to be accepted. I wanted them to have a family who was proud of them. I wanted to be the one standing just a little behind them, cheering the loudest when they succeeded.

I wanted to be their mother.