Page 67 of Ruthless Blade

"Yes." She took another step closer, her hands still twisting together. "I was wrong about everything. The way I treated you, how I pushed you away. It wasn’t right, and I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to realize it.” Her voice broke, and part of me wanted to let it all go. I can’t. She hurt me. Over, and over, and over again.

I watched her cry and didn’t know what the fuck to do. It was weird. She hadn’t shown me this side of her in years, the side that actually crumbled, and broke down. For two years she had on a fake persona, and it was like part of her was coming back.

Is this a trap? Lure me in and then discard me like I’m nothing once again?

Part of me wanted to reach out and hug her, but the other part, the more rational, wanted to see her in pain. Because that’s all she’d been doing to me. Left me to rot, and be in pain by myself.

“After the accident, I couldn’t look at you. Looking at you reminded me of them, of everything we lost, and I couldn’t do it without wanting to break down again.”

Gut meet punch. Way to knock me when I’m down.

I knew it. I’d always known that she resented me for being here. For living while they didn’t. I still couldn’t figure out why I was still here. Why was it so important for me to continue to be here when they didn’t?

“You blamed me,” I said, confirming everything.

“No. No honey, I never blamed you.” She took my hand in hers, “I blamed myself.”

My mind was fuzzy, clearly this conversation wasn’t making any fucking sense. I needed a nap. “What are you talking about?”

"I should've been there," she said, her voice breaking. "I should've been the one driving. I should've been the one in that car. I told your father I had to stay late to get some last minute approvals done, so he picked you both up. If I hadn't stayed later...”

“Then you would be gone too? And I’d be completely alone? It doesn’t matter if you weren’t there, Mom. You can’t help that. No one could. We didn’t see it coming, and as much as I wish we could rewind the past and start over, we can’t. What you could’ve done though, was be there for me, your daughter. Even though you were grieving, we could’ve done it together. I lost Dad and Jake too. You weren’t the only one hurting, and your constant comments of how I was a screw up, how I’d never be like them, messed me up more than you know. You didn’t have to erase the past, you just had to be there.”

A sob escaped her throat, "I failed you.”

You did, but that can change. Everyone can change, can’t they?

My eyes burned with unshed tears. I don’t want to be here, and I certainly don’t want to be having this conversation. I need out. I fucking need out.

Instead of remaining quiet, I said what’s been on my mind since the beginning. “You wished it was me instead of them.”

Her eyes widened, “No! I never, ever wished that. I am so glad you are safe, and here with me. I haven’t been a good mother to you, and I promise that will change. I will make it right.”

"Then why?" My voice wavered, and I hated how fucking weak I sounded. My eyes were drooping, exhaustion creeping in. “Why did you treat me like that? Why make it so I didn’t matter to you? Like I was invisible or a ghost.”

Her voice was small, frail almost. “I didn’t know how to live in a world where your father no longer existed.”

Fuck.

“Losing your brother was hard, he’s my child. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. But losing your dad; my other half, and soulmate. Well, that fucking crushed me, Alexis.”

Damn. I had no idea.

I turned my head away, staring at the wall with the sink and whiteboard. Don’t cry. Don’t break down because if you do, then she will too.

"I don't know if I can forgive you," I whispered.

“I know,” her voice small, “I don’t expect it. I want you to know that I love you, and that I’m putting you first, from here on out. It’s what I should’ve done in the first place.”

We sat in silence for a long time, my eyes drooping because of pain meds. As I drifted to sleep, I didn’t go straight into the nightmare I’d always had.

When my eyes finally closed, I dreamed of a time when we were altogether, living as a family does. Happy, content, and together.

Knowing that she was here, even if I hadn’t forgiven her for everything, I knew it was enough.

At least, for now.

Maybe one day we would go back to who we were, but it was a long road ahead.