Page 79 of Lessons in Lemonade

Loosening his arms, he eventually releases me, and I lean back, instantly missing the heat of his body.

“How about this,” he says. “How about you start from the beginning and just tell me all of it. I’ve done my best to respect the boundaries you’ve put up in regards to this part of you, but I want to know. I need to know. The good, the bad, the ugly—all of it, all of you.” His eyes implore me.

Can I do that? Can I share these last few parts of myself that I’ve never shared with anyone? Just then, Zeus’s head finds his way onto my leg; I look down to see his big sweet eyes, and that’s when I know I can. I don’t need to worry about upsetting these two or be worried they will somehow think less of me. They love me for me, and despite all my fears, that isn’t one of them.

“Okay, Jack. I’ll tell you all of it.”

He graces me with another smile, and it takes my breath away. When he looks at me like this, there’s no way I can deny him anything, and I don’t want to. So, I move back to my seat, and as we sit and nibble on the food he prepared for us, I pour out my story, leaving no detail unmentioned. Is it freeing? No, as I don’t think I’ll ever be free of that time in my life, but it is nice to share with him the burdens of my heart.

After some time and many more shed tears, he asks, “Do you want to get out of here?”

“But what about the rest of this food?” I stare down at the remaining no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies. “I love that you made it and I want to eat it all.”

“Already taken care of. I just have to text Taylor—she’s going to come clean it up then drop the rest in a cooler on your porch.” He pulls his phone out and fires off a message to her.

“You really thought of everything, didn’t you?”

“I tried.” He grins at me.

Standing, he takes my hand, and together we move to leave the gazebo with Zeus following. We walk down the steps, and he turns once he reaches the bottom, coming eye to eye with me.

“I can’t leave here without kissing you first. It’s been too long, and quite frankly, since you walked in, I can’t stop thinking about it.” His eyes drag down my face to my lips.

Butterflies flutter against my ribcage, neither one of us moving. The only sounds are those of Zeus as he walks around the garden exploring and my heart, which has started working overtime.

“Why do I feel like this is a first kiss when it’s not?” I ask softly. One of his hands wraps around my lower back to pull me against him while the other moves up to cup my face.

“I don’t know. Maybe because deep down you know this time it has a clear meaning. It’s not fleeting.” He tilts his head. “Or maybe because you know it’s no longer forbidden by your self-inflicted standards. You’ve succumbed to my charms, and it’s now allowed.” There’s a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Or it’s because you know this kiss will finally seal the deal.” His gaze drops to my mouth as his thumb rubs across my bottom lip, pulling it down just a bit. “There’s no turning back now.”

No, there sure isn’t, not that I could even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I close the distance between him and me and proudly break my fifth promise. I’m proud because what I realized tonight—and, well, if I’m honest with myself, what I’ve been realizing for months—is that my life and the things that happen to it are not a burden to him. To him I am a reward, a cherished gift fate bestowed upon him, and he is a gift to me as well. He is the best thing, and together we are worth it.

Rising up on my toes, I drape my arms over his shoulders and fall even more in love with him. His lips are demanding that I grasp what this means, but the way he moves is gentle and echoes the word cherished. I didn’t know so much could be said by just a kiss, but when one heart is speaking to another, things are expressed in a different way, a way that’s binding, everlasting. We get lost in the moment and in each other.

Taking a breath, he presses his forehead against mine. His eyes are still shut, and I revel in the closeness of him, even though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get close enough.

“Love you,” he whispers on an exhalation, and I draw his words in as if they are life to me.

“I love you more,” I whisper back, and he chuckles, rolling his head back and forth against mine.

“I don’t think so. Not even close.” Pulling back, he grins at me, and then I light up from the inside with anticipation as he says, “I’m ready to take you home.”

No-Bake Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies

MOONLIGHT SEEPS IN through Meg’s bedroom window, lighting it up enough that we don’t need to turn the lights on but still keeping it dark enough that we feel hidden from the world. We’re under her covers, completely naked and sated, and it’s these moments I love the most. It’s silent other than our breathing and the slow syncing of our hearts, and we feel so damn close to each other that nothing, not even the ghosts of her cancer, can separate us.

I learned a lot about Meg tonight. She shared way more than I thought she would, and for that I feel honored and grateful. I already knew she was an amazing woman, but by voicing her fears, which were really just her selflessness, she moved herself to a whole other level. It’s not that I didn’t already have her on a pedestal, but now the base is wider and made with titanium. It’s sheer strength, just like her.

I also learned a lot about myself, too. I know I was in flight mode a few weeks ago. Leaving was an impulse decision because I couldn’t bear the thought of being rejected by her. I am a people-pleaser, the fun guy, and when I thought I wasn’t enough for her just as I am, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to change her mind, but instead of trying to, I bailed. What I should have done is stayed and listened.

I failed on communication, the most important part of any relationship, and I know that now. I was so wrapped up in not getting what I wanted from her that I was blind to being able to acknowledge my part of the problem. I wasn’t listening to her. Although in a roundabout way she was trying to tell me why we could only be friends, I just wasn’t hearing past the hurt. I was more worried about me and what I was feeling than actually understanding her motives for why she was the way she was. I knew she cared for me, but I was too hung up on her words and didn’t look close enough at her actions.

She was all in; her body told me that in the hours and hours we spent together tangled between my sheets. I knew it deep down, but I didn’t listen to her touch; I listened to her words.

So, what will I work on to make us be better than before is patience. I will listen with my heart and not my ears. I will remember that Meg hates confrontation and worries about upsetting me so she’ll say whatever she needs to say to keep the peace. I know even though we’ve moved to this new place for us now, I still need to continue to slow down and not barrel ahead. I can’t have her withdrawing, not ever again.

As I slide my hand up her thigh and over her hip, she lets out a contented sigh. We’re both on our sides and her eyes are closed with exhaustion, but I am wide awake.

“I think we should buy one of those houses,” I tell her, breaking the spell.