Page 72 of Lessons in Lemonade

Did she? Did she say something? I agree with him about only hearing what I want to—it’s what keeps me fun-loving and not so serious all the time—but maybe it’s not about what she said. Maybe it’s about what she didn’t.

Perhaps I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Despite what she says, I know, I know she felt something for me. I know from the way she looked at me, how she held on to me a tad longer when her walls were down, and really the way she let me in when she doesn’t let anyone in. No one. Not one person. Just me.

Randomly, I think back to a post she put up months ago of chicken country captain. In the text to go with it she said, You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach. Now that I think about it more, that’s exactly what she’s doing. She claims she’s living her life to the fullest, always drinking from a glass of lemonade, but is she really? Her glass-half-full mentality is just that, half full, and with the way she’s going, it will never be full—at least not where love is concerned.

Yes, she’s gone out with a lot of guys over the last year, but that’s always seemed strange to me, and it also felt like she was completing a life to-do list she made for herself rather than really taking in what the experience was supposed to be teaching her.

Why?

Why does she do this? And why does she think like this? I don’t get it. She meets all these people, yet she chooses not to get close to any of them. It’s strange. She was loved as a child, and from everything she’s said, her aunt adores her. Her friends do, too. Maybe Lexi is more right than I gave her credit for; maybe Meg does have dark places she’s never shared with me, and maybe I should have looked harder for them. Maybe it’s time for her to come clean.

She’s going to hate this, but I think it has to be done. She’s always shied away from uncomfortable situations or conversations, but she needs to be honest with herself so she can be honest with me. Instead of me reacting to the first thing she says that I don’t want to hear, I need to remain calm and listen. I need to listen to it all, because I truly do believe deep down in my gut that this isn’t an us problem, and it’s always been a her problem.

Well, I guess that makes it an us problem, because I want her to share her life with me. I don’t want her to deal with things alone, and that’s exactly what she’s doing—no thanks to me.

That’s about to change.

When I glance back up at Reid, he sees that my eyes have brightened with an idea, and a small smile curves his lips.

“You wanna go grab a beer?” I ask him, feeling the first ounce of the hope I’ve been starving for knock its way in.

“Absolutely,” he says, now grinning because he knows we’re about to brainstorm.

Unhooking the TENS device, I grab my bag, and the two of us head toward the parking lot. Reid claps me on the shoulder and squeezes, and that’s when I realize I’m smiling. He’s smiling, too. He knows I’m finally on my way to getting my girl back.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m coming for her.

She’s going to talk, I’m going to listen, and I’m not taking no for an answer.

Chicken Country Captain

I THINK I’VE been living my life in limbo. Well, maybe not my whole life, but at least for the last several years. It’s like I can’t go backward to who I used to be, but I’m not going forward either, and I didn’t even realize it. This makes me think of Newton’s first law: An object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force.

Jack was the outside force.

No, I didn’t expect my life to be the same once I was declared cancer-free, but at the time things were moving forward with change and I just went with it. My aunt and Shelby got us set up at culinary school, and off we went. We were so busy. Then we graduated and started the restaurant. Again, so busy. I’ve always been busy, always been moving, and now I’m wondering if I missed part of the healing because of it. I never stopped moving, I never took the time, and now look where I am.

In my room. In my bed. Under the covers.

Reeling from what will undoubtedly be the biggest mistake of my life.

And because of that single thought, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve worked so hard to live my life a certain way, and now I just don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore, and with everything compounding all at once, I’m sad.

Like really sad.

It’s a kind of sadness I’ve never experienced before.

I’m sad I’ve spent so much time trying to live my life when apparently I wasn’t. I’m sad I might have missed out on opportunities just because I was convinced I needed to keep moving from one thing to the next, and because of this I’m sad I didn’t give myself what I needed: time to stop, reflect, and heal. I glossed over anything that wasn’t happy or positive, even though the scars are still there, and they’re still shiny.

I should have known this was bound to happen. Cancer invades our minds, our bodies, and our relationships. There’s a process, and I only allowed myself to give in to one of those three. I think I felt if I let it consume my mind or my relationships, it would win, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was fighting it—I’m still fighting it.

Only right now I don’t feel like I have much fight in me.

After what I’m forever going to refer to as my “awakening,” I called Shelby, broke down, and told her everything that had been going on. Of course she had already heard from Lexi and Taylor, but knowing me and knowing I don’t like to be pushed, she gave me space. Like Taylor, she was mad that I went out with Jason, even though I informed her it really wasn’t a date, more of an un-date.

Poor Jason. He was really nice, he just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t share too much with him—after all, he’s not the guy I need to be opening up to; Jack is—but listening to him, I couldn’t help but think he would be perfect for Taylor. So, I invited him to the restaurant next week for dinner, partly because of her, but mainly as a peace offering for the failure that was our night out. I told him to bring whoever he wants, but I will be introducing the two of them. Who knows? Maybe they’ll find love.