Page 5 of Own Me

“Hi.” I squeak out, his hand still extended out.

“Shake my hand, Shay.” His voice is not angry or mean, but it was a command. His first one. Every fiber in my body battles with my mind. Although I don’t feel ready to make physical contact with him, I am compelled to follow a command.

My hand shakes as I bring it up and grab his. He is warm, inviting, and gentle. He softly wraps his fingers around my hand and holds it for a moment. I can’t bring myself to look up at him—even though I want to. I want to look in his eyes and know that everything will be ok, but I’m afraid to.

He lets go of my hand, and I keep my head down like I was trained to do. I have so many questions, but I can’t bring myself to ask any.

What if he gets upset? What are his rules? Rayne…I like that name.

“Would you feel more comfortable speaking somewhere else?” I nod yes. Again, the words don’t come out of my mouth. I can’t speak yet.

“Good. Follow me. I’ll take you to where we will have our sessions. It’ll help you get acclimated to the space.” He steps around me and opens the door.

I follow him in blind obedience. I’ve only just met this man, and my body has betrayed all of my feelings.

There is something about him that makes me want to trust him; that makes me feel safe.

Chapter Three

RAYNE

She’s beautiful. God damn it.

I brought her to our own private therapy room on the third floor. She hasn’t looked at me since we were in her bedroom. I love her chocolate colored eyes; there’s a fire in them. It’s dim, but I want to make it roar again before she leaves here. The room is completely empty. I figured we would add things that make her feel comfortable and safe. Not recreate a space she is used to, but create a new one.

She’s standing in the middle of the room, her hands are clasped in front of her, and her head is down. Her dark curls cascade over her shoulders and the sides of her face. I wish she would at least say something. We need to build trust between us, so I’ll do all the talking first if I have to.

“Do you know why I brought you to an empty room?”

No answer.

“I want you to decide what goes in here. To be in full control of what we do, what you learn, and how you want to live when you leave here.”

No response. Not even a twitch. She’s as still as a statue, but I know she is reading my every move. She is aware of every breath I take. She’s used to being hyper aware of everything, and I need to be cautious of that.

“Shay, what should we start with?” She shrugs her shoulders, but doesn’t say anything.

“What’s your favorite color?” That should be a simple answer, but I know it’ll be like pulling teeth to get it out of her.

I wait a moment before I hear her little voice whisper red from across the room. I’m so surprised I think I’m hearing things, and she didn’t really say it, but she looks up and says it again.

Louder.

“Red.”

“I like that color, too. Let’s do this. Use the word red whenever you want to stop doing something with me. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, uneasy, afraid. Say red, and I’ll immediately stop whatever we are doing. I promise.”

She finally looks up and nods.

“Can you use your words? Please? I want to make sure we can communicate clearly. I can’t read your mind, Shay. So you need to be open to telling me how you feel, and what you want to make this work.”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Thank you. Now, what’s the first thing we should put in here? What would you like your room to look like?” She looks around the empty room, her beautiful brown eyes focusing on one corner.

“A couch. There,” she points towards the corner near the window. “I used to always enjoy lying on the couch with…him.”

“Was that a safe place? Somewhere you could relax and be yourself?”