Page 17 of Own Me

“How did that make you feel, Shay?”

“At the time, it seemed normal. Now I see how fucked up it all was, but I didn’t know any better. You know?” My voice cracks as I realize that I had wasted all those years being controlled in a way that wasn’t right. Rayne places his hand over mine and squeezes lightly. I lean over and place my head on his shoulder; the smell of his cologne or body wash is subtle and comforting.

“It’s okay, little one. I’m going to teach you what a proper relationship like that should look and feel like. You’re strong, smart, and you’ll learn how to take care of yourself again. I promise,” I can feel his voice vibrate through his body as he speaks to me.

“Thank you, Da—Rayne,” I stop myself before I call him Daddy. Did he notice? Shit, I hope not. Overwhelming guilt washes over me because I’ve allowed myself to trust another man again and almost call him Daddy. I always promised Arin he would be the only one, but I can’t help feeling like Rayne is the one I’ve always been waiting for.

Chapter Twelve

RAYNE

Last night was deeply intimate in different ways. Shay relaxed enough to let me restrain her and talk her through a panic attack after she woke up. Even afterward, she shared a happy memory, but realized how she was a captive in her relationship. It hurt to hear her accept that what she went through was wrong. Captivity and isolation make people accept things they wouldn’t normally endure. She truly had no one to tell her the truth of the situation, and she’s stronger than she will ever realize.

I’ve been carefully taking notes of my observations, our sessions—or lack thereof- and what my next steps are so that Tabitha can see what we are doing. She’s called me into an early meeting this morning; that can never be good. Maybe she’s just trying to keep close tabs on me this time around. I hope it’s that anyway. I can’t imagine she would think it’s a good idea to switch trainers with Shay at this point. I’ve only just now gotten her to trust me enough to speak more than a few words at a time.

As I head up to Tabitha’s office, I keep thinking about the last patient I had here. He came in after being in a physically abusive relationship, and he was really struggling. What I didn’t realize was that he was the abusive one and had lied in his intake with Tabitha. He started off as reserved, compliant, and in need of structure. Not long after, he started to unravel.

He became verbally abusive towards me, using anything I told him to build trust against me. He was good at sourcing out my insecurities, fears, and failures to torment me with. I couldn’t accept just walking away from him, so I stayed as his trainer.

Tabitha was so involved in her own cases that she overlooked us and gave me the go-ahead to continue working together. I should have known better—I shouldn’t have let my ego and need to fix everyone cloud my judgment and feelings.

The final straw was when he tried to attack me physically. He broke me down mentally for weeks before striking the final blow. As we fought, I let all the anger, hate, and self-loathing come out, and I went too far. When we are trained here, we are told to never use anger with physical violence towards our patients.

I broke that rule and was suspended for it. He was sent to the hospital and banned from the facility. I don’t know what happened to him afterward, or why I broke down enough to lose my temper in such a way. I still feel guilty for what happened; Tabitha assured me that it wasn’t my fault, but I should have come to her sooner with my concerns.

I couldn’t blame her for my failures—I never have. I just needed some time to rethink things. She’s called a few times before to ask me to come back, and I denied her each time. When she called about Shay, I felt I was ready to come back, and I don’t regret it.

Shay is different. She may feel lost, but I know she’ll find her way with guidance. I knock on Tabitha’s door and open it—I find her with her back to me, putting a book back on her bookshelf.

“Good morning, Rayne,” her voice sounds tired. Not at all enthusiastic like she usually is. My stomach gets tight—this can’t be good.

“Morning.”

“How are things going?” She sits at her desk.

“Well, you have access to everything. You tell me.”

“Okay…well it doesn’t seem like you’ve made much progress with Shay. So I called you in to see where your head was and what you’re planning on doing with her. We only have a month left, Rayne. After that, she’s out in the world, and she has no one. As I’m sure you know.”

“Yeah, I’m well aware of her situation. I couldn’t just jump in feet first with her, Tabitha. She needed time to warm up to me; build trust. I think I have it, and now we can start working on the bigger things.” I answer confidently. Tabitha’s face is expressionless, but I can see the wheels in her head working. She’s thinking of how to say something; I’m sure of it.

When she doesn’t respond, I snap at her, “What is it? I know you have something on your mind.”

“I do,” she sighs. “I’ve read your notes, obviously. I’m noticing a pattern, Rayne. One that I’m sure I don’t need to remind you almost got you fired last year.”

Ah, there it is. I always had a feeling she would bring that up and use it against me. “What pattern?” I growl out.

“Over-investment. An emotional attachment. Not wanting to fail her. Do not soften your boundaries around this one. I had a hard time getting anything out of her during our intake session, so I’m not confident that she was being completely honest. I made a mistake last time—I don’t want you to suffer because of it again.”

I take a moment to think about what she said. If I answer too quickly, it’ll prove to her that she’s right. Being too sensitive and emotional will ruin what we’re trying to accomplish here at the Institute.

“I understand what you’re trying to say, Tabitha, and I appreciate it. Shay is…trying to find herself after years of isolation. She needs to grow and learn that she now has the opportunity to do so. I can see from your perspective that not much has been done, but I really think she’s finally relaxed enough to keep moving forward.”

“It sounds like you’re making progress then. Just be careful she doesn’t confuse stabilization with salvation, Rayne.”

Stabilization with salvation. She’s right. I’m not her savior, and I can’t let her start to think I am. Last night she almost called me Daddy. I wasn’t so sure I had heard her correctly, but now I am. I need to be careful, but it’ll be difficult. Something about Shay makes me protective, and not in a good way.

“Understood. Anything else?” I prepare to stand up when she purses her lips and shakes her head no. She’ll keep a closer eye on us from now on, and I’ll have to prove she made the right choice bringing me in.