Page 14 of Own Me

My eyes are glued to Leonora as she walks back and forth speaking to the group. Movement to my left catches my eye.

Rayne walks in and is standing off to the side of the room; he’s watching Leonora too. I wonder if he knew her when she was a patient. She said she worked with Mr. Meridian, whom I haven’t met yet. It makes me wonder how long Rayne has been working here. I never asked him that.

“One of the most important things I learned while being here,” Leonora continues, and I turn to face her again, “is that my freedom is my own responsibility. That I have to be strong enough to stand on my own before giving away any of my freedom to someone else.”

“Being in a submissive and dominant dynamic or relationship relies on trust, honesty, safety, consent, and respect. Without all of those elements, there is no room for an established relationship.”

What she just said gave me chills. I trusted Arin. I was always honest with him. I relied on him for my safety, but I didn’t consent to a lot of what we did. I gave in because I couldn’t say no. I felt like if I did, he would make me leave and I would have nothing. I was selfish and deserved what my life turned into.

I casually listened to the rest of the seminar; catching bits and pieces of how Leonora escaped an abusive situation, learned who she was and what she wanted, and moved on with her life. She didn’t give up the lifestyle entirely, and is in a healthy long-term dynamic now.

I envy her. I envy all the people who know who they are without ownership. Freedom frightens me; it makes my chest tight and stomach hurt. I went from being controlled by my family to being controlled by Arin.

I’m 33, and I don’t want to be free. I want structure; I crave rules, and want someone to take care of me. People begin to clap, and I realize Leonora has finished. I take this opportunity to sneak out, and I race down the stairs to the first floor and to my bedroom.

Slamming the door behind me, I leap onto my bed, and the tears flow out of my eyes with no control. I’m so afraid. After I leave here, I don’t know if I'll be able to take care of myself. Or if I want to.

Chapter Ten

RAYNE

I watched as Shay ran out of the group therapy session when it ended. Instead of running after her, I decided to give her a little bit of time to herself. Leonora was a patient when I first started here, and I thought bringing her in to share her story would be helpful to Shay and other patients.

Her story partially mirrors Shay’s, and I hope that someday Shay can look at her past and see how much she has grown. She has already grown, even in the short week we’ve been together. When I first met her, she wouldn’t even look me in the eye or speak to me.

Now, she’s comfortable enough to share a little of what is on her mind. However, I feel like she’s done that because I haven’t punished her yet. I don’t want to punish her, though. I want to ground her. I want to show her that she can trust someone not to take advantage of her or hurt her for their own pleasure.

She’s not as delicate as I once thought, so I won’t hold back from now on. If she had come to our therapy room this morning, I would have warned her about the session, and we would have had time to work on today’s lesson.

Physical restraint. It’s not a sexual session. I want to see how she reacts; if she is afraid or has trauma surrounding being restrained. I want to talk and walk her through it, and see it as a trust exercise.

Leonora speaks to a few patients who went up to thank her for her time, then she spots me and walks towards me.

“Rayne!” She gives me a big hug. “It’s so nice to see you again. Thank you for inviting me here today. I—hope it was helpful.”

“Yes, it was. Thank you for your time and for sharing your story. I’m sure lots of patients here today found your story to be helpful. I have a bit of a difficult patient that I hope to help by the time they leave.”

“Oh, I know you will. You have always been a great listener. They’re very lucky to have you as a trainer.” She grabs my hand and holds it tightly. It’s comforting, but she’s not the person I want to touch. As much as I want to hold Shay, stroke her hair as she sleeps, and comfort her, I need to maintain professionalism and not cross boundaries.

“Thanks again, Leonora. I wish you all the best, and feel free to reach out anytime. The Institute can always use your help.” I give her a quick hug, walk out of the conference room, and head to Shay’s room.

She seemed overwhelmed; the talk of freedom, rules, and trust was probably too much for her. That’s ok—she needed to hear it. She needed to know that there are others out there just like her, and they are doing just fine.

I knock on her door, and there is no answer, but when I put my ear to the door, I hear soft sobs coming from the other side. Damn. I hate seeing her cry, and knowing it was my own doing makes my heart hurt worse.

I know I need to break her in order to help her find herself, but it just might break me apart instead.

“Should… I take my clothes off?” Shay asks curiously.

“You can do whatever makes you most comfortable. I’m good with either.” I’m secretly hoping she removes some of her clothing, but I won’t pressure her to.

I’ve planned on only using soft cuffs with her this time; maybe move on to rope after I see how she reacts. The fact that she’s asking if I would like her to remove her clothes tells me that she’s done this before.

She nods and sits down on the couch after removing her top. My breath catches in my throat for a moment. “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Face the window and put your hands behind your back.” I sit beside her, but I haven't made contact yet. Every move I make will be thoroughly communicated with her. I choose to have her face the window so she feels more comfortable not needing to make eye contact. Next time, it will be different. I want to look into her eyes as I give her commands.