Page 12 of Own Me

I lift the lid off the plate and smile. She brought me foods she’s seen me eat, and proper portions. I look over at her, and she’s reading the book I laid out for her, looking relaxed and happy.

“Thank you, Shay. This looks fantastic and was a thoughtful act. Please don’t feel you need to do things like this for me, because service should connect you to yourself, not erase you.”

She pauses from her book for a moment and looks back at me. “I enjoy making people happy. It makes me happy. It makes me feel like I’m worthy of your attention and help.” Her eyes shine with tears before she turns her head and looks out the window. She is more than worthy of my help and attention, and there is no need for her to be a slave in order to earn it.

“Are these plants yours?” She whispers.

“No—they’re yours. Provide them with love, water, and attention. You’ll care for them and learn that someone who is worthy of your love will give you the same care in return.”

After I eat, I go to the coffee bar that is beside my desk. “Do you like tea or coffee?”

“Tea. Herbal, please.” She doesn’t look away from the window. I wonder what’s on her mind. Is she happy? At peace? Anxious? Sad? I don’t know—I can’t read her yet. Maybe I won’t ever be able to.

I make her a tea and bring it over, casually placing it on the coffee table in front of her. She swallows deeply and finally turns to face me. Her eyes are unreadable, and I don’t think I’ll ever tire of seeing how they shimmer in the light.

She looks past me and notices a water carafe on the coffee bar. After she takes a sip of the tea I brought her, she walks over to pick up the water carafe and waters the plants without another word. I listen as she hums to herself. The softness of her little tune makes me comfortable, but it also makes me want to hold her against me.

It takes everything in me not to pull her in and claim her as mine. Her humming makes me wonder if she did it often while with Arin. If it was something she did to calm herself, or make herself feel not so alone.

“Do you like music, Shay? I noticed you humming. We can turn some on—light background noise so it’s not so quiet.”

“I like the quiet. It’s peaceful.”

“You don’t ever get tired of being in your own thoughts?”

“No, Arin always told me the world is too loud. Too many things are going on. Silence is a reward, not a punishment.” She smiles.

My mouth feels dry. She really believes that, doesn’t she? He conditioned her to live in silence and to like it. How could she not mentally break down from all the boredom? I guess it takes years of training to achieve that, and she was the perfect person for it.

“Shay…you are unique. Incredibly special. There isn’t another person whom I know that could live as you did for so long, but things have to change. The world is going to be loud and demanding. Do you think you’ll be able to handle that?”

She thinks for a few moments; I can see the wheels turning in her head. I don’t sense fear, but determination. “I—I think I can try.”

“Good girl.” I take her hand in mine and squeeze lightly. Her eyes widened, and I let go immediately. Shit, too far. She’s not ready for physical contact with anyone else yet. I just hope she opens up to me again soon.

Chapter Nine

SHAY

The dining room is much quieter this morning. Patients keep trickling in and out while I push around some oatmeal in the bowl in front of me. One of the kitchen staff keeps watching me, so I take a big spoonful and shove it in my mouth, forcing my jaw to chew and swallow. It’s not that it tastes bad—I just have no appetite again.

When Rayne touched me yesterday, my body reacted in a way I had no control over. Instead of savoring his warm touch, my body tensed and my stomach soured. It wasn’t him. It was me. Guilt took over because I haven’t been near another man in that way since I met Arin. I have to keep telling myself I don’t belong to him anymore.

Yesterday was calm and too quiet—making me feel tense, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most days with Arin could be uneventful—then something would happen, and things could get scary.

Punishments varied from physical: spanking, being restrained for hours, kneeling on a hard surface, and sex rough enough to leave lasting marks. Or, he would grow cold and ignore me for days, speak harshly, demean and embarrass me.

The only ‘punishments’ I didn’t mind were the spankings if I was a bad girl and did not follow the rules. Those punishments would eventually turn into a fun sex session. It makes me wonder what it would take for Rayne to punish me. I try to imagine what it would feel like to have him bend me over his knee and spank me.

Would he do it in anger, or to teach me a lesson? My lower stomach gets tight thinking about him touching me, holding me, and kissing me. I have his attention, but I also want his affection. He is too reserved and isn’t like any other dominant I’ve ever met.

When I was new to the lifestyle, Arin would bring me to parties hosted by other Doms with their submissives. Every couple was different, and I was to observe the different dynamics around me; mostly to help immerse me into the lifestyle.

Growing up, I was always quiet, observant, and submissive, but being with Arin was different. He wanted me to learn how to live without intention or freedom. To be completely reliant on him—for everything. From what I wore, how I ate, and what I did all day. Everything was for him.

Now that he’s gone, I have to learn how to make my own decisions, and that is terrifying to me. The thought of being alone in an apartment of my own after I leave here makes my stomach turn. What am I going to do with my life now? Should I seek another arrangement? I guess that’s all I’m really good for, anyway.

Rayne set up our therapy room just as I asked him to. He even added a few thoughtful touches himself: all the books, plants to take care of, and a drink station where I can make myself tea whenever I want. Especially tea. I love tea. Having tea while quietly sitting in Arin’s office was one of my favorite things to do.