Page 1 of Own Me

Prologue

SHAY

It’s been hours since I last saw Arin; he’s usually back from work by now, and lets me out of my room for the evening. I know the door is unlocked, but I don’t want to break Daddy’s rules and leave my room without permission.

So I wait–and wait for over a day.

When I wake up again, it’s nighttime, and now I’m really worried. He’s never been gone for so long without checking on me before. Where could he be? Fuck it, I’m leaving and looking for him. Maybe he’s just lost track of time, or punishing me for something I don’t remember doing wrong.

I climb out of bed and walk over to the door. My hand reaches out to the doorknob, but I pause. I never leave my room without explicit approval to do so, and I don’t feel comfortable walking around Daddy’s house without him around to guide me. I bite my lip and open the door anyway.

The hallway is dark, hollow, and empty, but the bathroom door is slightly open. A light is on in here, which is odd, but I walk over anyway. Maybe he forgot to turn it off before he left; that’s not like him. My footsteps are light and carefully placed on the carpet leading up to the bathroom.

I pause again before pushing the door open. I sense something is not right the very moment I stand in the doorway. Alarm bells are ringing in my head; the sense of danger surrounds me, but I ignore it and hesitantly walk in anyway.

At that very moment, I wish I hadn’t.

The man who has loved me, taken care of me, and taught me everything I know about who I am lies motionless on the floor. The color of his bluish skin almost matches the dress shirt he has on. I know immediately that he is dead. My own skin becomes clammy, and my body shakes uncontrollably.

What is happening? What am I going to do? I approach his lifeless body, and it all seems like a bad dream. This can’t be real. He’s left me all alone, and I don’t know what to do, who to call, or where I’m going to go now. I look around in a panic, spot the medicine cabinet, and rush over to it. Before opening the cabinet, I look into the mirror; into my eyes. They’re lifeless, just like Arin’s.

I have nothing left for me here, not without Arin by my side. We always promised one another that we’d be together forever. I only know of one way to keep my promise since he’s left me first.

Opening the cabinet, I spot a bottle of pills I’ve taken before. They make me sleepy, and Arin has been the one to give them to me in small doses. The bottle is half full; that should be enough. I pour the remaining white pills into the palm of my hand and put them all in my mouth. They taste bitter, but I wash them down with tap water.

I kneel beside Arin’s body and lay my head on his chest. He’s so cold; my tears are the only thing that warms my face. It doesn’t take long before my eyes grow so heavy that I cannot keep them open anymore. The world around me fades to black; my body floats, and I finally feel free.

Chapter One

SHAY

Arin’s driver found us not long after I passed out and called the police. I was rushed to the hospital, my stomach was pumped, and I was placed in a mandatory 72-hour hold on suicide watch. Once I finally came to the hospital, the counselor there told me about The Meridian Institute.

I could either go there, considering my dynamic with Arin, or I would go to a public facility for a while. It would be my choice of where I go, and I chose to go to The Meridian Institute. I don’t know if they can help me there, but it is the best place for me due to how I’ve lived for the last 13 years.

Today is the day I leave the hospital, and I go to the Institute. The counselor here told me I would have to go through intake, so they didn’t give me any medications today. I would have to be sound and sober to learn the rules of the facility and consent to treatment. It will be my first time making any kind of medical decision on my own.

For 13 years, Arin made all of my choices for me. I miss him so much it physically hurts; I miss the way he would wake me up in the mornings, the way he would tell me I was a good girl for following his commands. I miss the way he would take care of me and knew what I needed, even if I didn’t know it myself.

It has been so long since I’ve had to take care of myself. I'm afraid of the world. It’s been so long since I had a job, traveled, or lived on my own, and had to worry about money.

Yesterday Arin’s lawyer came to visit. I've seen him before at the house, but this is the first time he’s ever spoken to me. He’s an older man, and every time I saw him, Arin looked comfortable around him. He must be someone I can trust, too.

The lawyer told me Arin had left me money in his will; that it would be enough to last me for a long time. I was still too out of it to ask any questions, but he said my stay at Meridian would be taken care of. He seemed sincere and wished me all the best in my recovery.

At least I have someone to reach out to once this is all over.

I take a deep breath and take one final look out the window of the room I’ve stayed in for the last week. The flowers in the courtyard are in full bloom, the trees are bright green; there is so much life and beauty out there.

I wish I felt like that inside. Instead, I feel as dead as Arin was when I last saw him. As dead as I wish I was.

The drive to the facility has taken over 13 hours, and I tried to sleep for most of it. Arin’s driver, Leo, came to pick me up from the hospital in his usual car; it smelled of Arin and brought back so many memories. I cried myself to sleep in the back seat while sitting in Arin’s usual spot. It made me feel closer to him—I’ll miss being in this car.

It’ll be the last time I get to smell him and be where he’s been. His funeral is in a few days, and I’ve been told by Leo that his extended family is handling everything. I am not invited, and it hurts more than words can say. I suppose I’ve already said my goodbyes, but I wanted to see him be buried. I wanted to say one last goodbye, and they robbed me of it.

I hope I get a sedative after the intake session is over; I just want this never-ending pain in my chest to go away. My stomach is constantly in knots, my heart races at random times, and I can’t fight the anxiety that builds up after the medicine wears off.

We finally pull up to a large gate; I can see the building set back beyond the gate, and it’s beautiful. It reminds me of an old colonial home. It’s surrounded by woods; there are no houses nearby, and we are somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia. I’ve never been in this area before; my skin tingles with nerves.