Page 46 of Anything But Lonely
Or, I could just stay here.
In this bed.
Where no one cares where I am.
Where nothing matters.
Where I can disappear without anyone noticing.
The numbness falls over me, like a familiar friend.
It’s like drugs to an addict, like a cigarette to someone who swore they’d quit, like a drink poured for someone who knows they should stop but can’t.
It’s like silence to someone tired of screaming, like sleep to someone who doesn’t want to wake up,
It’s everything I shouldn’t want, but everything I need.
My body sinks further into the mattress, searching for the darkness until I finally find it, welcoming it with open arms.
It’s dark when I wake up, but I don’t even care to check the time.
I shut my eyes again before they can even adjust to the dark, willing myself to fall back asleep.
Reaching to the bedside table, my hand finds the water bottle to ease the dryness in my throat. The movement has my hunger registering, my stomach cramping with how empty it is, but the thought of food makes me nauseous.
My pillow vibrates, one of the alarms I set when I was getting used to the tour schedule and creating a routine for Crew, stopping the music I had playing and echoing through the hotel room.
This alarm is for the tour bus—it’s set to leave in half an hour.
I slept the whole day away.
And it’s still not enough.
Exhaustion is settled so deep in my bones, I don’t think I’ll ever get enough rest.
Sliding my hand underneath my pillow to grab my phone, I swipe away the text I got from Jack this morning, ignoring the ones from the group chat with Ava and Rumi, my eye catching on Mateo’s name.
Mateo
I know you have the day off today, but Crew was wondering if you were going to be at tonight’s show?
No pressure.
He’s just asking where you are
These all were from before the show.
Guilt shoots through me, cutting through the numbness.
Crew was asking for me, and I wasn’t there.
“Fuck,” I whisper into the darkness, reminded that letting people get too close to me, to care about me, just leads to their disappointment.
Sorry, not feeling too hot and slept most of the day
Mateo’s response is almost instant. He must have just gotten off stage.
What do you need?
