Page 91 of No Sweeter Poison

“Why don’t your families get along?”

His arms wrap around me, holding tight. “Too much pillow talk. We’d have to go at it at least three more times before I’m ready to unpack that kind of trauma.”

Laughter leaves my lips unwillingly. “You’re such an idiot.”

“You haven’t shown me yours yet.”

I catch the reference immediately.

I showed you mine, now you have to show me yours.

My life is so uninteresting that I’m not sure what else I can tell him. It takes a while before I dig up something even half important.

“I had an abortion when I was sixteen.”

Alejandro practically bolts upright in bed. I shift against him but he doesn’t let go. Not yet at least. “Are you serious?”

“Why would I lie about that?”

“No, it’s just…” He shakes his head. “Now I feel infinitely shittier about last night.”

“Don’t.” I reply. “It was an accident and it got taken care of.”

He doesn’t appear convinced. I press my hands against his shoulders and ease him back down onto the bed where I rest my head against his shoulder. Alejandro resumes running his fingers through my hair until it almost puts me to sleep.

“His name was Peter Marley and I thought I was going to be with him forever.” I roll my eyes at the memory but even after all this time, I still think of my first ever boyfriend fondly and with affection. “He was so sweet. Soft-spoken, quiet, kind. The complete opposite of my father who could be a real jackass sometimes. Peter and I didn’t know what the Hell we were doing. I was a junior and he was a senior so he took me as his date to prom. The whole thing was straight out of a cliché teen romcom. We rented a hotel room, did it, and then a few weeks later I missed my period.

“I had to tell my dad because who else was there to tell? I didn’t have a mom who could help me and Karina was upstate going to school. Dad was always a little aggressive. I got spanked on occasion but what kid doesn’t? Anyway, when I showed him the positive pregnancy test, he smacked me so hard he almost sent me back to Jesus.”

I know I shouldn’t laugh because really, it isn’t funny, but Alejandro’s mortified silence makes it funnier. Maybe it’s because I don’t treat any of the very traumatic things that have happened to me with an ounce of seriousness. It’s not who I am. I don’t think my father had the right to lay a hand on me but who wouldn’t want to absolutely kill their 16-year-old child after finding out they got knocked up by a high school senior who was about to be on the other side of the country for college?

Alejandro holds me tighter as my shoulders shake with silent laughter. “None of this is funny.”

“No…probably not. But I’ll laugh anyway because it taught me a lesson and I was never so irresponsible again. I was so terrified of sex I didn’t even look at another guy until I got to college.”

“What happened after you found out you were pregnant?”

“Dad took me to get an ultrasound. I was super early, only six weeks. We went home that day and he told me that I did a grown-up thing which meant I’d have to make a grown-up decision on my own. Face the consequences of my actions and such.” I wave a hand. “He was very serious in that respect. I begged him for two weeks to tell me what to do but he wouldn’t. When it came time to go back, the doctor did another ultrasound and they couldn’t detect a heartbeat. I had never been so relieved in my entire life.”

“Do you think you’d have done it anyway? Even if there was a heartbeat?”

“I think so. But I wasn’t completely sure until that moment. Without a heartbeat, I didn’t have to feel guilty about my choice or worry about it. I was raised Catholic, you know? And Dad had his opinions though he did the right thing in keeping them to himself. It took the responsibility away. I was at peace when the whole thing was over.”

“And your dad?”

I say, “Oddly supportive. I often think of it as the one great kindness he ever showed me.”

Alejandro doesn’t say anything for a long time. I lift my head but he’s already looking at me, wondering, thinking.

“I have to go to Italy tomorrow.”

“Okay…what for?”

“I’ll tell you when I get back.”

I don’t like the look in his eyes right now as he speaks. As if he already knows the secret he’s keeping is one that’ll hurt me.

“I promise.”