Page 14 of What Change Entails

“Perhaps until after breakfast, if no one serves ham.”

Kitty began laughing again.

Lydia tried not to join her, failed, and ended by throwing the handkerchief at her sister.

“You are no help at all.”

“I am a great help,” Kitty said, wiping her eyes. “I am helping you not die.”

“I may yet die.”

“Not before ham.”

This was so reasonable that Lydia had no answer.

They remained laughing for a minute, breathless and foolish, the kind of laughter that made anger retreat without permission. Lydia hated that too, a little. She wanted to remain magnificently wronged. It was difficult to maintain grandeur while giggling over breakfast meats.

Then she stared toward the bonnet again.

The laughter faded more slowly this time.

“I did want to go,” she said, no longer performing quite so much. “Very much.”

Kitty’s expression softened. “I know.”

“Mrs. Forster chose me.” Lydia picked at a loose thread on her sleeve. “Not Jane. Not Lizzy. Me.”

Kitty moved nearer on the bed. “Of course she did. You are more fun.”

Lydia swallowed, annoyed by the sudden thickness in her throat. “And now everyone will think I was not allowed because I cannot be trusted.”

Kitty did not answer quickly.

That was answer enough.

Lydia raised her head sharply. “Do you think that too?”

“No!” Kitty said. “Only… Lizzy made it sound that way.”

“Lizzy makes everything sound worse.” Lydia stood again because sitting still had become unbearable. “Well, I shall show them all. I shall go to Derbyshire, and I shall be admired, and I shall not sketch ruins unless I am forced at gunpoint. I shall write to Mrs. Forster, and she shall pity me exceedingly. I shall return improved enough that Papa cannot complain and lively enough that Lizzy cannot claim victory.”

Kitty appeared uncertain. “Can one be both?”

“I can.”

Lydia said it with such conviction that the possibility almost became real.

She crossed to the bed and began gathering the gowns she had thrown there. The blue muslin, the sprigged one, the pink, the white if Mama could be persuaded. If she was to be banished, she would at least be banished attractively.

“And I shall be very cold to Lizzy tomorrow,” she added.

“How cold?”

“Freezing.”

Kitty nodded. “Will you speak to her?”

“If necessary.”