Page 13 of Vexatious Queen

“Do you? I hate how you just keep moving forward like nothing happened. It’s like we didn’t just lose our mother. I hate it, and yet, I wish I could do it. I’m stuck in a pit of agony that won’t let go. My heart won’t stop aching, and I can barely take a breath. All I do is wonder. Did she know how much I loved her? What was the last thing I said to her? Could I have spent more time with her? I…”

Covering his face, he slid down the wall until he was on the floor, and I sat down beside him.

“How do you do it?”

“I cry when I’m alone,” I said, feeling his eyes on my face. “I sit in the shower until there is no hot water and wonder all the same things you do. I’m not moving on, I just hide it better than you, that’s all.”

“I don’t know how to do this. And Dad…he’s so broken. I don’t know how to help him when it feels like my chest has caved in,” Blake said, and I leaned my head against the wall.

“I don’t know either. For once, I don’t have the answers, and I wish I did. I really wish I did,” I said, not caring if he saw the tears trailing down my cheek.

“What are we going to do?”

I shook my head and held out my hand for him.

“One day at a time, it’s all I’ve got.”

Blake hesitated but only for a moment.

“I can’t lose you, too,” I admitted. “I don’t think you’re a junkie, but I also know this is a challenge. Lean on me. Don’t feel like you can’t. I want you to.”

Turning my head to look him in the eyes, I saw worry staring back at me. He was defensive because he had thought the same thing, which meant he had been tempted.

“You know that, right? I can’t lose you. I know you’ve got this, but that won’t stop me from worrying because I love you.” His eyes filled with tears. “We’re going to get through this, I promise.”

“How are you so certain?”

The corner of my mouth curved up ever so slightly.

“Because we have each other. We have since before we were born, and we will until the day we die. I’ll always have your back, and I know you’ll have mine.”

The smile reached his eyes this time.

“I love you too, Theo.”

We sat there for a few minutes, saying nothing and letting the moment ground us together in our mutual sadness and pain.

“You want to get a pizza from Mom’s favorite spot and take it to Dad?”

Blake smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Pushing ourselves up, I grabbed him and pulled him into a hug before he could escape my reach.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered.

“And I’ve got you.” Clearing my throat, I stepped back and dried my eyes. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Grabbing my keys, we headed for the door, and for the first time since the shooting, I felt like we really were going to be okay.

JANUARY 12 – MONDAY 6:03 PM

Myles

The workout had felt good until I remembered that I had lacrosse practice and Coach was going to kick my ass. First day back, and I was already fucking up. I wasn’t off to a great start.

Nothing had seemed normal since Ren’s accident. We had all been in survival mode. Then Lawrence went crazier than a squirrel on crack, killing Ella and traumatizing Lip, Blake, Theo and Ethan. After living with Owen and Devin, I hadn’t thought it possible to feel more useless, but this last year had been one insane blow after another.