Page 30 of Humility

Sighing, I pushed all thoughts of the beautiful Jasmine Falcone from my mind. I needed to move on. But deep down, I knew it would still be her face I saw no matter who else came into my life.

Chapter Fourteen

JASMINE

Keeping the cloak tightly in place with the hood up, I stood at the railing, watching the land that had once been a speck slowly grow larger. This was the second most exhilarating and terrifying thing I’d ever done. I didn’t linger on the one that still took the top spot in my mind. There was no point in looking back and hoping for things that would never be.

I rubbed at my locket, a gift from my papa for my nineteenth birthday. The golden piece was stunning in its simplicity. It had a decorative design of our family crest and a picture of my parents inside. I hadn’t taken it off for a single day since. Tucking it into my sweater, I felt terrible about leaving the way I did. No goodbye or warning. The argument with Papa about how I needed to be taken care of as a woman boiled me to my core. I was done being a princess in a mafia family. I wanted passion and love. I wanted children and to wake up not feeling like I had an axe of patriarchy pressed against my throat.

Even though I knew Papa meant no harm with his words—it was the world we lived in—I still hated it. I didn’t need a man like a pet needed an owner. I was perfectly capable of working and taking care of myself. Our fancy home was nothing more than a cage made by a man many generations earlier. They wanted me to look and act like the perfect accessory, and now that I was old enough, I would be moved to someone else’s home to birth babies and start the process again.

There was nothing wrong with having a family, but it shouldn’t be part of your job description as a woman. I had dreams, and if I’d learned one thing from my fiasco with Angelo and Dario, it was to marry someone who truly loved me and couldn’t live without me. Angelo and Dario said all the pretty words, but when it came down to it, they never cared. They played me and broke my heart.

My recent fight with Ciro was worse. He snuck into my room just like old times, but the tension between us was palpable. It was the only time in our lives that we’d fought, and I hated it.

“Please, Jasmine, I’m begging you to marry me,” Ciro said.

“What for? So that we can have awkward sex in hopes that I get pregnant. Then you’ll feel terrible and ignore me because that’s what you do when you feel guilty and can’t handle difficult situations. It’s what you’ve always done. You couldn’t even look me in the eye when you took the last cookie while watching a movie.”

“That was years ago.”

“Fine, what about when you started dating Marcus and didn’t want me to feel like a third wheel? You ignored me for months. I’m your biggest supporter. Why would I ever have a problem with the two of you? I’ll tell you why. You couldn’t handle the idea that I might be upset that you had a life and I…well I didn’t.”

“I’ve changed and grown up. I promise I won’t do that, I swear it.”

“And even if you don’t…let’s pretend you are a perfectly doting husband, we both know it’s a pretty lie. You’ll still have Marcus, and I will resent being in a marriage where I am nothing more than a breeding commodity for you to hide who you really are.”

“I can’t tell my father. He will disown me or worse,” Ciro said. “You’re the only one who knows. You can sleep with whomever you want. You know I won’t care.”

I narrowed my eyes and would’ve smacked him if he hadn’t stepped back and held up his hands when I growled at him in rage.

“Oh yes, please, let me become the family whore talked about in all the shadowed corners and family dinners that I cannot attend because it is a boy’s club. Don’t even deny it. I have friends among the servants. I hear the whispers.” I put my hands on my hips, the anger potent in my gut. “Yes, please let me become the woman that suddenly every Don, on down the ranks, figures they can get a piece of because I’m that kind of girl. The one they can fuck and then go home to their wives. Why wouldn’t I want a loveless marriage and be considered a slut on top of it? And all the while, you’ll have Marcus warm in your bed every night, and no one would dare say a word.” I rubbed at my belly for effect, and his eyes followed the movement. “As long as I give you a child, no one cares where you stick your dick.”

Ciro stomped across the room. “I have always had to live in the shadows and hide who I am. I’m asking for a few years, and then we can get divorced if you want and take half of everything as payment. Am I so unbearable that you couldn’t spend a couple of years with me to save me from a life of ridicule?”

“Do not guilt me,” I snarled, my hands clenching. “And do not think money drives me like I’m some common whore or typical princess worried about what dress I can buy that week or what spa I can attend. I’ve been your friend for years, happily kept your secret, and you’ve never had to worry that I would turn on you, but here you are in my bedroom, turning on me.”

“It’s not like that.” He held out his trembling hands, and I did feel for him. This life we lived was not an easy one, and Bruno was a mean bastard. As long as Ciro produced a son, his father didn’t care if he had ten women or men in his bed at night. I would never be so lucky.

“You would so easily cast ridicule on me for your own sake? Do you even see how what you are asking is no small favor? To save your own skin, you wish to ruin my name, body, reputation, and my heart. All with the misguided hope that, in the end, I will be free to find love again. I’ll be a used-up commodity no one wants. Worse than all of that combined, I know our friendship wouldn’t survive this. So not only do I lose my choice of what future I want, but I would also lose you. This is what you ask of me, and I’m supposed to be your best friend?” I shook my head and stared at him in disbelief.

“But you offered to have a baby for me and Marcus,” he said. “I thought you would be pleased.”

“Yes, I did offer that because that is the kind of friend I am. I would’ve happily snuck off on a so-called vacation, had your child with the help of medical professionals, and given the child to the two of you. That was my offer, my choice, and I could’ve kept my reputation intact. You know as well as I do that in this world, my reputation is all I have. But if I enter into this marriage with you, I’ll either end up a slut for sleeping around or a princess who couldn’t keep her husband. I might as well sign myself into the nunnery right now for all the luck I’ll have in finding a decent man after that.”

“I’m a better option than Jacopo. He will only hurt you or kill you. I can’t determine what he wants from you, but it’s not good.”

“That’s your selling line? You’re nobly saving me from Jacopo? Get out, Ciro. I can’t talk to you right now.” I was so angry that tears started forming, and I refused to cry in front of him.

“Jasmine….”

I glared, my eyes narrowing as my body tensed. “I said to get out,” I whispered harshly. “Go talk to Marcus about what you’ve asked of me and see what he says. I still can’t believe you not only asked this but requested it of my father. I really thought we were friends.” I pointed to the window. “Go. Before I find something to throw at you.”

Was I being selfish to want my own life? I didn’t think so, yet I couldn’t help the guilt in my stomach.

All I wanted was to live free of the servitude this life wanted to press upon me. It shouldn’t feel like I was asking for the stars. I thought my Papa was different, that Ciro was different, but now I wasn’t sure they weren’t as brainwashed as the rest.

“Isabella?” I turned at the sound of my alias. It was my mother’s name and my middle name. I missed her every day and thought it was fitting as I embarked on this journey. “We will be pulling into port shortly.”