Page 71 of Sinner’s Game

“Maybe, but I lost something today too.”

“What?”

“Her.”

She shook her head, her brow furrowed. “I don’t know what you mean.”

He drew in a breath, then released it slowly, trying to organize his thoughts. “I loved her. Losing her broke me, and I was broken for a long time. I think I still am.”

“No—”

“I didn’t mean to fall for you.” He watched her mouth open. The light flicker in her eyes. The light he had to kill. “God, Brandy, I didn’t want to. I’m not entirely sure what happened, other than it’s you, and you’re one of the most incredible women I have ever met.”

“Ronan, I—”

He held up a hand. “No. I need to finish. Because I can’t stand the thought of losing you either. I meant what I said before. I fuck. I don’t do relationships. I can’t. I about died when I lost Michelle. I can’t go through that again. For a moment, that first night with you, I thought maybe I could. Because, dammit, I’m falling in love with you. But I can’t. Not even with you.”

He saw the way her eyes widened. The shock of understanding. The hint of joy that he loved her, then the dark sadness when she realized that it didn’t matter. That he wouldn’t take those next steps. Not ever. He had to protect his heart.

And that was why, even though he was longing to touch her, he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her that he wished he could be a different man, but he knew himself. He knew what he was capable of. And he knew that she would be his breaking point.

“I—I’m not Michelle,” she said. “I’m right here. No one is trying to punish you by hurting me.”

“But they’re still trying to hurt you.”

“That’s not because of you. That’s because of my face.”

“But it could be. Someday it will be because that’s the world I live in. My enemies will find me, and they’ll find my weakness. And that’s you.”

“But you’ll do whatever you can to keep them from hurting me.”

“How the fuck can you believe that? Didn’t I just tell you how I failed Michelle?”

“That wasn’t your fault. And you did save me. The kidnapping. And today. God, Ronan, you’re my hero. Don’t you know that? But I don’t expect anything other than that you try. I don’t believe that you’re some mythical hero who never misses. That’s not the man you are. That’s not the man anybody is, and no one expects you to be.”

Nobody but himself.

He wanted to answer her, but he didn’t know what to say. At the end of the day, he was a flawed man. A coward. But he knew his limits; he knew the pain that he could endure.

Torture at the hands of a bad guy? That he could handle.

Having his heart ripped out again by the loss of a woman he loved? No. He couldn’t endure that. And if he had to, he’d walk away just to keep her and his heart safe.

“Ronan? Please, talk to me.”

He looked at her, not sure what to say, and was saved by the ringing of his phone. He glanced down, saw the caller ID, then looked back at her eyes. “I’m sorry, Brandy,” he said. “I have to take this.”

“What’s going on?” Ronan asked, answering the call from Colonel Seagrave.

“We know why Cartwright came to the LA area.” The man’s gruff voice was sharp, his tone indicating the urgency of the conversation. “Have you engaged?”

“No. I’ve got a crisis brewing here.”

“You may miss your opportunity, Ronan. The rumor is he’s here to personally take out one of his operatives. Apparently one of his assassins went on an ordered hit, then betrayed him.”

“So now he’s here, tracking down his underling, with an intent to take him out? How did he betray him?”

“Word is he pulled an Alan Rickman,” Seagrave said.