Page 19 of Butch

Daddy held her as she finished the bottle, and he continued to hold her as she fell asleep.

“How did you know I liked baby bottles?” Rae asked several days later.

She had been in and out of sleep for the past three days, not doing much at all. Daddy was always right next to her, feeding her, helping her drink, taking her to the bathroom, giving her a sponge bath, and allowing her to sleep. It had been the same thing over and over and over again, but with Daddy, it wasn’t as bad.

I knew when we went to the store in the last months before I left that you wanted to at least try it. Your eyes would always wander over to the baby bottles when we walked past them. But I wanted you to come to me and tell me. I didn’t want to force something on you when you weren’t ready for it.

Of course he was so watchful. She should have known he would have already figured out what she wanted.

“I was going to tell you. I promise, but… but nothing…” She trailed off.

Daddy tilted his head forward, his left eyebrow going up.

We are not doing that. You’re going to tell me what you are about to say.

She sighed and nodded. They had made a promise to each other all those years ago that they wouldn’t keep things from each other. That they wouldn’t start a sentence and then stop suddenly. It was something that helped them communicate well and hold each other accountable. But in times like this, it made her slightly annoyed that she had agreed to it because she didn’t want to tell him. She had a feeling his answer would be selfless.

“But I didn’t want to hold you back. I didn’t want to tell you that I’m pretty sure I’m young and non-verbal. I didn’t want you to feel guilty about leaving. I didn’t want you to decide to stay and then me having all this guilt that you couldn’t go do what you wanted to do,” she quickly said.

Daddy grabbed her hand and gently ran his thumb across the back. She knew exactly what he was going to say before he even wrote.

I would have stayed for you. I would have waited a year so that when you graduated, you could come with me. But I was young, and I wanted to show you I could take care of you, so I left you behind, thinking you’d be okay. I don’t have many regrets, but leaving you is one of my biggest ones.

“How were you going to show me you could take care of me?” she asked.

I wanted to earn money, more money than we ever had growing up, so I could spoil you rotten. So I could spoil your Little and show her that your Daddy was kind but could also discipline you.

“You know I don’t need any of that stuff. Just being with you was enough,” she whispered.

Or she thought she’d whispered. Rae hadn’t known the volume of her voice for a long time, but no one had ever told her she was yelling, so she figured it was okay.

I know you don’t need those things, but I wanted to be able to give them to you. I know I have a lot to make up for, and I hope you allow me to do it.

She re-read the words. Was there any stopping him from doing what he wanted to do?

Will you give me the honor of allowing me to make it up to you?

He looked at her with so much hope across his face that it tugged at her heartstrings.

“O-okay,” she hesitantly said.

A Cheshire cat grin spread across his face, and before Rae could react, she was in his arms, sitting on top of his lap as he hugged her tightly. Rae melted into his embrace, loving the feeling of safety.

Deep down, she knew she shouldn’t have given in and said yes, but with the way he was looking at her and her imagining how he would have said it, she caved. There were too many variables on what could happen, and tearing them apart again, but in this moment, she didn’t care too much. She had already called him Daddy twice. As much as she would like to go back and not say them, she knew no time machine would let her.

Daddy pulled away from her and picked up the whiteboard. Raelynn still got annoyed and frustrated that he had to use the whiteboard to communicate, but it was the only way. She didn’t know many signs in sign language.

Do you want to eat?

She felt her stomach grumble at that moment, reminding her that she was hungry.

“Please.” She looked up at him.

Butch stood up, holding her close to his body as he started walking toward the door. Pin pricks appeared all over her body as they got to the door.

“Where are we going?” she asked, the panic rising in her.

Daddy stopped walking and pulled his phone out of his back pocket while she held on for dear life. It was awkward since her legs were wrapped around him, and he was typing behind her, as he held her back and bottom.