Page 9 of Fearlessly Us

“That wasn’t a yes,” Tyler grumbles, and Sophie snorts out a laugh.

“Face it, Ty.” Maya adjusts her long brown ponytail and takes a sip of her coffee. “Drew is a sourdough savant, and you are but his lowly apprentice.”

Tyler turns to Emmy and Sarah Wyles, first cousins and the final two members of Caitlin’s best friend group.

“Don’t bother asking, Ty.” Emmy takes a bite of her toast and closes her eyes. “I’m having a religious experience with this piece of bread right now and I’m going to need a moment alone.”

“I love your sourdough, Ty,” Sarah says loyally.

Tyler lights up. “Thanks, Sar. In a competition between my sourdough and Drew’s, mine would totally win, right? Like, it’s definitely the best?”

When Sarah hesitates, everyone at the table bursts out laughing just as my phone buzzes against my leg. I shouldn’t check it. I know I shouldn’t. Because the second I do, real life is going to crash back into this quiet morning, but the chance it could be the person I actually want to hear from and not the person I definitely don’t has me pulling my phone from the pocket of my shorts. The second I click on the screen, the coffee I’ve been drinking turns to battery acid in my stomach.

Dad

You have to talk to me eventually.

Pick up the damn phone, Drew. Please. You can’t ignore me forever.

Fucking watch me, I think, shoving the phone back into my pocket and turning my attention back to the conversation pinging around the table.

“You’ll get there one day, Tyler,” Cam says, tossing me a grin. When I don’t quite return it even though there’s nothing we like more than needling Tyler, Cam keeps his eyes on me for an extra beat, concern written all over his face. It’s a look I’m familiar with. Cam and I have been friends since our freshman year of college. We played college football together, and we were drafted to the Renegades the same year. And while he probably knows me better than anyone, he doesn’t know everything.

No one does.

From my seat at the head of the table, I watch as everyone laughs again, feeling, as always, out of my depth surrounded by all these people who have been friends and family for their entire lives. Tyler and Sophie were lifelong best friends before last spring when they finally admitted they had feelings for each other, and as of last week, they’re engaged.

Their moms, along with Jack and Caitlin’s mom and Maddy’s mom, have been best friends for decades and own a law firm together. Their four families are pretty much one big family that also somehow includes Sarah and Emmy’s families in Boston. I have no idea how Maya fits in, but she’s as much a part of it as everyone else.

It’s all really complicated, and I can’t keep track of all the different connections and who is actually related to who, but in this group, it doesn’t seem to matter. Family is family to them, regardless of blood, and the lines between actual family and just friends are nonexistent. Even in the few years since Tyler and I became friends when he was first drafted to the Renegades, I’ve watched them expand their circle to take in Cam and his kids when he and Maddy fell in love, and because Cam is my best friend and he belongs to them now, they always include me too.

For the lonely kid who still lives inside me, it’s a revelation. For the grown-up version of me, the easy, casual acceptance makes my chest ache, because it’s a reminder of everything I missed out on.

Of things that will never be mine.

People who will never be mine, I think, sliding my eyes towards Caitlin, only to find her studying me again. But this time, she doesn’t look away, and having her attention on me does funny things to my heart.

“Who’s your pick in the sourdough wars, Catie?” I ask, watching as her eyes flash at the nickname. She acts like she doesn’t like it, but her eyes give her away every single time. Everyone calls her Cait, but I like Catie. I think the softness of it suits her. Even though she seems like she’s all hard edges, there’s a lot more beneath her surface.

I knew it from that first night, because there is so much more beneath mine.

Like recognizing like, I think again.

Caitlin rolls her eyes, and somehow, the gesture unknots my stomach, relaxes my shoulders, allows me my first deep breath since the texts from my dad. “Tyler, obviously. I mean, he put mac and cheese into sourdough. Can you say the same?”

Tyler hoots, jumping up from his chair and coming up behind Caitlin to wrap her in a hug while shooting a glare at the rest of the table. “Cait is my favorite today. Cousins for the win. My mac and cheese loaf was legendary.”

“It was good, I’ll give you that,” I say, grinning at Tyler. “But no one here has tasted my double chocolate with peanut butter filling. Once you do, your life will never, ever be the same, and I will once again be the undisputed king of sourdough.”

“No way do you make that,” Caitlin says, narrowing her eyes at me.

Got her, I think with a little glow of victory. The empty pint of chocolate ice cream on the table when I found her in the kitchen this morning gave her away.

I wink at her and grin wider when she flushes. “You bet I do, Catie, and it is spectacular.”

“I think we need to be the judge of that,” Emmy says.

“We definitely do.” Maya nods seriously. “Fuck knows I’m not going to be doing any sourdough baking, so I’m going to need everyone who does to provide me with a steady stream of it.”