Page 47 of Fearlessly Us

I follow his gaze to a row of seats right above the fifteen-yard line, and there she is. Her presence punches me in the chest, my breath backing up in my lungs, eyes glued to her like she’s the only person I see. And almost like Caitlin can feel me looking, her head turns, gray eyes clashing with mine. Her lips tip up in a small smile, one hand smoothing over her Renegades hoodie and the other running over her ponytail almost like she’s checking to see that it’s all in place, and when her cheeks turn just the lightest shade of pink, somehow, I know.

She came here for me.

I’m hit with the swift and sudden realization that in the almost two decades I’ve been playing football seriously—first in college and now here—Caitlin is the first person who has ever come to one of my games just for me.

The significance of that is more than my overwhelmed brain can process, so I set it aside and settle for looking at her, her presence in the stadium settling my chaotic brain, and suddenly, it’s like none of it matters. Not my dad’s texts or the dropped passes or the mental gymnastics of whether this game is still for me. Not the worry that walking away from football means I’ll lose the things and people most important to me and whether that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Because Caitlin Parker is in the stadium and she’s here for me, and that feels like my own little miracle.

With my eyes on hers, something unnamable passes between us, and my mood lifts as I grin. And then, without a thought as to who might see and what happens next, I toss her a wink. When her face goes from pink to red, my chest feels light as air.

“So, I’m guessing there’s a whole lot more to the story than you told Maddy,” Cam murmurs, and I can feel his eyes on the side of my face. Watching.

“It’s…complicated,” I say, my eyes still locked on Caitlin’s.

I can see him smile out of the corner of my eye. “It’s always complicated, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. What do you want? For a minute, ignore the complications and all the reasons you think it’s not right or it might not work and everything else in your head telling you not to try. When you strip it all away, what do you want?”

For a second, I let myself think about that reality. Where I don’t have a fucked up past and a sort-of sister I would really like to get to know and a dad trying to edge his way back into my life when I would prefer to banish him forever. Where I’m not battered and broken and my insides match my outsides and everyone I care about stays.

And I realize without all that, there’s only one answer.

“Caitlin,” I say, my eyes never leaving hers, the crowd seeming to disappear until there is only her and me. Us. “I want her.”

And no words have ever been truer than those.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CAITLIN

“What the fuck is happening right now?”

Maya’s voice breaks me out of my Drew-induced trance, and I whip my head around, away from his brown-eyed gaze. All five of my friends are staring at me, leaving me wishing I could cast a spell that would immediately cool my heated cheeks and erase the last two minutes from their memories.

Was it only two minutes where I couldn’t look away from Drew?

It felt like a century.

“What do you mean?” I ask, and even I can hear how lame the question sounds.

Emmy gives me a sly grin. “What she means is why is Drew Ellicott staring at you like you’re about to disappear and why are you staring back?”

“And he winked at you,” Sophie says with a grin, smoothing down the front of the Hansley jersey she’s wearing. “Sideline winks are so hot, and that one was epic. One for the ages.”

“Seriously.” Sarah fans herself dramatically. “That was ridiculous. Totally incinerate-your-underwear hot, and I know you thought so too because you’re blushing. You. Betray no emotion and never let them see you sweat Caitlin Parker. Blushing.”

I scoff halfheartedly because fuck, it really was that hot and I do have the heated cheeks to prove it. Betray no emotion? Never let them see you sweat? If only they knew how much emotion and sweating goes on beneath this surface. “That wasn’t for me. He could have been winking at anyone.”

Maya crosses her arms and stares me down, all badass in black leggings and a leather jacket, Renegade T-shirt underneath and black combat boots on her feet. “He could have been, but he wasn’t. What’s the deal, Cait? I thought you hated him a little. Or at the very least, he’s been a thorn in your side for reasons I’ve never been able to figure out.”

The boos from the crowd as Denver kicks a field goal give me a thirty-second reprieve to get my shit together, but that’s not nearly enough time. Because then the noise level drops below deafening and all five of my friends are still watching me, and just like with Jack and then my dad last week, I feel the words pushing themselves up from my chest. The urge to tell my friends about my weird and confusing feelings for Drew and let them help me figure out what it all means. The uncomfortable admission that maybe, just maybe, I don’t always have to work it out on my own.

But this time what stops the words isn’t hesitation, it’s the sudden realization that there is one member of my little girl gang who has yet to say a word. And with startling clarity, I know exactly the reason why.

“You know?” I ask Maddy, not sure if I’m relieved since it’s one less person to tell or if I want to punch Drew in the dick for telling one of my best friends the things I probably should have told them all myself.

Maddy’s grin tells me that not only does she know, she’s not the least bit sorry about it. “The right question isn’t whether I know. The right questions is why didn’t you tell us yourself?”

“Tell us what?” Sarah demands, propping her hands on her hips. Her hair is pulled back in a high, bouncy ponytail, and her ears are covered by pink, fluffy Renegades earmuffs despite the fact that it’s fifty degrees and sunny and she looks so ridiculous I can’t help but smile.