Page 77 of For I Have Sinned

As I meander around my room, my mind is still swirling with the memories of what transpired in my office this morning. How Celine’s lips felt against mine, how she was ordering me around, how she fucking tasted.

It all makes my body buzz, and then I remember pushing myself in her for a split second. She felt so good wrapped around me, and it makes me eager to be inside of her again.

As good as it feels to be with her, there is a small part in my brain that keeps telling me how wrong it is. I mean, I broke my vow for her. Something I swore I would never break, gone in a blink of an eye because of this woman I have grown obsessed with.

Which is another reason I want to visit my mom. Not only because I need guidance on what to do about my doubts of being a priest, but to talk to her about Celine. This started out as hooking up and the thrill we got from knowing it is something we shouldn’t be doing, but things begun changing before things got sexual.

I never saw this coming, but how could I? I didn’t expect a beautiful angel to come into the convent and turn my entire world upside down. I wasn’t expecting to do the dirty things I have done with her, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to start getting feelings for her.

That thought has me stopping my pacing because what if the feelings are one sided? The way Celine acts when she is with me has me believing that maybe, just maybe, she could have some sort of feelings for me. They might not be at the magnitude mine are for her, but they could still be there.

I inhale a deep breath and realize that this is a conversation that we will need to have at some point. One day, she will get out of here and where will I be? Out in the world, hopefully with her? Or will I still be in this convent, living my life here like I did before she arrived?

I know I need to tell her how I feel, but it’s going to have to wait until after I visit with my mom. I need her opinion and I know she will be brutally honest with me.

My eyes glance up to the clock, and realize how how much time I’ve just wasted roaming around my room and getting trapped inside my head. I know that she should have gotten out of her lesson a few minutes ago. I rush to open the door, my mind still frantic, but then I pause with my hand gripping the doorknob.

This sensation I have, the urgency to see her, to touch her, to be near her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’m not sure how to stop myself from having these thoughts. But I know that if I leave this room in this mindset, someone will notice something weird is going on. And I can’t have them start asking questions.

I breath in deeply, calming my body. My mind might still be running wild, but as long as my body appears normal, I should be able to make my way to Celine without anyone thinking I look like a madman sprinting through the halls.

Because that was what I was about to do if I didn’t stop myself from opening the door and take a moment to collect myself. If we were in a different setting and not the convent, I wouldn’t stop myself from racing to find her.

I straighten myself out, casually open the door, and head to the hall where Celine usually hangs out after her lesson. When I pass a few women, they don’t seem to pay me any attention, which means I appear normal and am in the clear.

I don’t see her in the hall which causes alarm to set in. I spot Esther walking down the hall and pull her aside; if anyone would know where Celine is, it’d be her.

“Where is Celine?” I ask casually. “You two are attached at the hip?”

“She said she didn’t sleep well last night and was going upstairs to take a nap before going to the library.”

I’ll give it to her. She kept herself composed when she said it, but it was a lie that rolled easily off her tongue.

Letting her continue on her way, which is to the corridor she isn’t supposed to be in, I don’t bother to stop her because busting Esther for breaking the rules isn’t on my list of things to do.

Passing the chapel and then the courtyard, I am met with the stairs that lead to the women’s rooms. It’s dangerous to be wandering around this part of the convent during this time of day when everyone’s roaming around. But I am desperate to get back to her.

When I notice that the women have dispersed from the halls and go off to do their own things, I ascend the steps, taking them two at a time. Once I reach the landing, I dart towards Celine’s bedroom door, and as I reach my hand out to grab the handle, I hear Celine talking to someone. She’s giggling, but I don’t hear anyone else’s voice in the room, which means that she has decided, yet again, to disobey my orders.

She is using Esther’s phone to call someone.

Which is probably why Esther looked so guilty when I asked her if she knew where Celine went, and the lie she spewed was preplanned by the two of them. I knew she wasn’t taking a nap as Esther said, and because of that, I was hopeful I’d walk into her room and catch her touching herself to finish off what we started this morning.

I didn’t expect to come up here and find her on the phone again. I don’t know what bothers me more, finding out she’s not thinking about me like I have been obsessing over her the past few hours, or the fact that whoever she is on the phone with is causing her to laugh.

I contemplate going inside. Because if she wanted me as much as I want her, she would come talk to me and not whoever is on the other end of the phone.

And then, I hear my name come out of her mouth. She must have forgotten that these walls aren’t soundproof.

Just like she didn’t realize when she’d touch herself those nights, I could still hear her moaning my name. I could hear everything; I could hear when her breath stopped as she gasped for air right before she was about to fall over the edge; I listened to her moan my name, even when she tried to cover her mouth so no one would hear.

And right now, I can hear her just as well when she tries to whisper. Maybe it’s because my ear is to the door. Maybe it’s because I want to know everything she’s doing at all times, so I listen closely. Either way, it makes me relax knowing she is still thinking about me. That is, until I hear what she says next.

“You guys, I’m hooking up with the man. It’s not like we are about to ride off into the sunset⁠—”

I don’t know what’s happening. My body starts moving before my brain processes what she just said.

My hand meets the doorknob, and before I know it, I’m standing in her room. Her back is to me as she sits on the bed. She doesn’t even notice that I am here, not until I slam the door shut.