Page 65 of For I Have Sinned

I clench my teeth together, wondering how much I can tell her without giving the truth away. “But… there are things I cannot confess to him.”

Glancing to my right, I see her pivot her head in my direction as she asks, “Why?”

The words want to roll off my tongue. They are so close to spilling past my lips, and I don’t know if I can hold them back for much longer.

“Those confessions are… impure. They are things I can’t discuss with Father Keaton.”

She hums softly. “You can confess to me.”

Fuck.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” she asks. “Your secrets are safe with me, Father Alexander.”

The thing is, I know my secrets are safe with her. Celine promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone about Father Keaton and Joanna, and I know she meant it. If I tell her these thoughts I’ve been having, I know she will keep them to herself.

“Okay,” I foolishly give in. “Forgive me, Celine, for I have sinned.”

My words draw a small giggle from her, easing the tension. “What are your sins, Father?”

“I’ve been having these… thoughts.” I keep it vague.

“Thoughts about what?”

I begin to tap my fingers against my leg as the anxiety builds. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

“How will you clear your mind of these thoughts if you don’t speak them out loud?”

A soft chuckle leaves me. “You sound so professional.”

“Learned it from you.” I can hear the smirk in her voice. “Now, tell me what your thoughts are about.”

Do it, Alex. It’s going to keep eating at you if you don’t confess. Just don’t let her know that the thoughts are about her.

“A woman.”

A beat of silence passes before she responds with a simple, “Oh.”

“It’s the last thing that should be on my mind, given the vow I’ve taken, but she somehow weaseled her way into my head, and I can’t get her out.”

“That is… difficult,” she says with hesitation. “What exactly is the vow you took?”

“I vowed to abstain from intimacy.” Thinking back on when I took the vow, I feel like an idiot now for doing it—the reason being the woman in the booth next to me.

“And these thoughts you are having about this woman,” she pauses for breath before asking, “are they sexual?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and answer her honestly. “Yes.”

As my heart pounds in my chest while I wait for her next words. “Is this someone you met outside the convent?”

“No. She is here.” Admitting it out loud, it sounds terrible, but I can’t stop the words from pouring from my mouth. “Seeing her every day… it’s hard when these thoughts are running wild in my mind. They want to break free of the cage I keep them in.”

“I see,” she says casually. “Is it a nun? Or is it another woman here?”

“One of the other women,” I tell her. “She differs from anyone else I’ve ever met. She is reckless and marches to the beat of her own drum. She has a fire inside her that she isn’t afraid to unleash, even if it gets her in trouble.”

At this point, she has to know it’s her that I’m talking about—the description I gave suits her perfectly. I peek over to where she is sitting. She wets her lips, head falling forward for her eyes to settle on her lap.