Page 41 of For I Have Sinned

“You must resist the urge,” I say, not sure if I am speaking to her or myself.

“It’s hard.”

“Sometimes the obstacles that we overcome are the hardest ones in our path.” I can’t believe I am stringing along complete, coherent sentences right now.

“I agree.” Celine looks at the screen and asks, “What is the punishment for my sin?”

Punishment.

I push away the dirty thoughts of how I would like to punish her and attempt to free my mind from this fog. Before it can clear itself up, I say the only appropriate thing that comes to mind.

“The Lord’s Prayer. I want you to say it every night before you go to bed. I assume you know the prayer.”

She groans. “Couldn’t forget it if I wanted to.”

“I also want you to abstain from touching yourself.” I swallow hard, attempting to keep my voice steady. “It will be difficult, but being in this convent, you have to make promises to God and follow through with them. There are some sacrifices you need to make.”

“How will you know if I follow through with either of these?”

I sit there for a moment, figuring out how I want to answer this. The idea that pops into my head is one I shouldn’t voice, as seeing Celine only briefly throughout the day is rough on my mind.

Seeing her stirs feelings in me that shouldn’t be there. And now I am going to suggest that we see each other more.

“How about this, before you go to your room for the night, you come find me, and we will recite the Lord’s Prayer together.”

“And the other thing?” she asks. “How will you know that I’m not touching myself?”

My jaw tenses, teeth pressing together roughly. “God will know.”

“Okay.” A laugh of disbelief leaves her. “Thank you, Father Alexander.”

Before I can say anything, she stands and leaves her side of the booth. I sit there in silence, hand still gripping myself, and I pray that not only will Celine follow through with my commands, but that I will follow through with them as well.

Chapter 16

Celine

I eat in silence after Prayer. While Joanna and Bekah are discussing everything that had been brought up, I sit here, only opening my mouth to eat. Esther is the same way, always remaining quiet whenever she is around the other two women.

Joanna and Bekah don’t seem to mind it, though. I’m not sure if they even like Esther, or me, for that matter. I think Joanna only puts up with me because I’m fresh meat, and she wants to look good by being the one to take me under her wing.

Rolling my eyes at the thought, I stab at a piece of fruit when I hear Bekah ask Joanna, “What do you want to do after lunch?”

“You will have to find something to occupy your time,” she responds in a mean-girl tone, which throws me for a loop. “I have to meet with Father Keaton.”

“Oh, what about?” Bekah questions.

“I just want to talk with him about Prayer today.”

Bekah’s eyes light up. “Maybe I could come with you! I’d love to discuss the topics he spoke about.”

“Maybe later, Bekah.” Joanna stands from the table. “There are personal things I need to discuss with him. He’s been helping me overcome a lot of issues I’ve been dealing with.”

My brows dip at her pause, and I slide my eyes to Esther. She is already looking at me and mouths, “What the fuck?”

I shrug, finally stabbing a strawberry as Bekah says, “You haven’t told me about any of these issues. We tell each other everything.”

Bekah’s voice is full of hurt, as if she can’t believe there is something that Joanna is hiding from her.