Page 36 of Pain

Or maybe... maybe he didn’t want anything. Maybe I was giving him exactly what he wanted just by being here. Helping him when I could. Picking up the slack when he needed a break.

Maybe I was doing enough just by being me.

It defied expectations, and a very large part of my mind rebelled against the simple, straightforward answer. I couldn’t believe it was true.

But a smaller, quieter part of my mind was murmuring to me, and I finally stopped and turned into that part. It was reminding me how nice it felt to be in his arms. How safe I felt here, and much I liked the scent of him lingering on my skin.

How right it felt to just lie here and be myself with another human being.

And the longer I listened to that voice, the more I started to wonder if Knight felt the same way. That maybe he was enjoying lying with someone who didn’t have any expectations from him, who would just let him be himself.

Maybe he liked having me here with him while he slept because it made him feel safe.

This brought a slow, gentle smile to my face and a warmth to my body. Because I didn’t know how I would possibly keep him safe, but fuck did I like the idea of doing that for him.

I liked the idea of making him feel safe almost as much as I liked the idea of making love to him. And if the second wasn’t going to happen...

Then I might as well pay him back by accomplishing the first.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezed him tightly, and pressed my face into his chest, letting myself relax even further and stop thinking until I finally fell asleep.

***

WHEN I WOKE, I HAD turned in my sleep so that my back was to Knight, his arms wrapped around me and holding me tightly against his body. And he was hard as a rock against my ass.

Hard and rocking his hips, as if his need was so strong that he couldn’t be still.

He was also still asleep, if his steady, even breathing was anything to go by, and that meant that for the moment, at least, I was by myself in being awake.

And that meant I could give in to my instincts, if only for a moment.

I sighed in need and arched my back, opening myself up to him.... and knowing that he wasn’t awake enough to take advantage. I tipped my chin up and closed my eyes, reveling in the hard bulge pressing between my legs and the sudden rush of wetness from my center.

“Fuck,” I whispered, surprised. It had been so long since I’d actually wanted a man, so long since my body had reacted like this, that it took my breath away.

It also made it really, really hard to lie still, with all the evidence of Knight’s desire right there behind me.

I rubbed against him, rocking slightly until his cock was moving back and forth over my clit. Sure, I was wearing a pair of pajama pants, courtesy of Mandy, but there was enough friction to set my body buzzing and my skin burning, and before long, I was moving faster, desperate for the feel.

Until a hand clamped down on my hip, heavy and squeezing.

I froze, my breath caught in my throat and my heart hammering against my ribs, and felt my body flush anew—this time with a blush at having been caught.

“What,” a rough voice asked, “the fuck are you doing?”

I bit my lip, trying to figure out what answer would be best here. Because I didn’t think I could lie about what I’d been doing. There was no way to make it innocent. Maybe I could just say I’d been dreaming?

In the end, I didn’t have to answer him or think of an excuse because he flipped me onto my back and parted my legs with his knee, sliding in to settle between them as soon as I spread for him. His cock, still hard and standing at attention, came to rest right at my opening, and I groaned and squirmed a bit, incapable of staying still against it.

Instead of asking me—again—what I was doing, Knight just stared at me, his eyes dark with need and his lower lip caught in his teeth. He glanced from my mouth up to my eyes and back again, and when his gaze came back up to mine, it was full of questions.

Full of answers that he didn’t necessarily like but couldn’t deny.

I reached up, slid my fingers over his jaw to the back of his head, and pulled him down to kiss me.

The world around us melted into something hazy and indistinct when his mouth met mine, his lips softer than I could possibly have imagined, and I let myself fall into him. Let my brain turn off. Let all of the reasons this might be a bad idea fade into the background.

Because the truth was, kissing him was like finally coming home, after an entire lifetime of never knowing where I belonged or who I might belong to.