Page 30 of Sour Notes

Speaking of reality, it's time to start on my favorite part of the job.

I make myself a coffee, black with two sugars because I’m not sweet enough already, and settle back down with my laptop to start.

Dr. Reality Check-Love, Mia.

People email us wanting dating advice, and it’s on me to respond with a little Love, Mia flair. It’s like a modern advice column x love doctor I try to keep fun, dry, and hopefully helpful.

We weren't sure if this would be a hit, but readers immediately engaged, and it ended up moving from a quarterly magazine segment to a weekly online update. We’ve built up such a good rep that all genders feel comfortable messaging for some Dr. Reality Check love.

I’ve only got two messages to respond to today.

Hi Mia,

Help! I’m in love with my best friend but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even realize I’m a dude. How can I get her to notice me as something more?

Love, Hopelessly Devoted.

Hi Hopelessly Devoted,

Well, isn’t that an age-old dilemma. If you’re a numbers guy, statistically 66% of relationships start as friends. That’s not bad. I mean, okay, it would be safer if we hit 80 plus, but still… It’s more than half.

Has she ever flirted with you? Held your stare a little too long? Found reasons to touch you? Maybe test the waters, casually flirt, mention going on a date with someone, and see if you detect any reaction. Do her eyes drop to your lips, or lower? Does she look a little jealous over the mention of you seeing another girl? Sometimes that’s all it takes.

Love, Lube, and

Hi Mia

I’ve been with my guy for five years now, but he keeps cheating. He grovels, apologizes, cries, and I take him back. It just happened for the third time. What’s wrong with me?

Love, Third time’s the charm.

Hi TTTC,

I can’t bring myself to type it because it’s really not a charm. And he sure as hell isn’t charming. He’s a jackass. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. If he can’t keep it in his pants, that’s on him. You deserve better. Pack your shit and get outta there.

Take it from someone who’s been there—no dick's better than cheating dick.

Love, Lube, and

Stretching, I push myself back from my desk. That last email hit hard. It might be because I’ve given my ex all too much brain space in the last few days, but daaaaammmnnn. That just reconfirms why I don’t want another long-term relationship.

Fuck that.

These assholes are all the same.

I walk into the kitchen and make a fresh pot of coffee, scribbling a quick response on a Post-it to leave for Swayze.

Just as I stick it on his door, my phone chimes.

Mom

Annie said Stavros is single. Do I give him your number?

Me

NO! I literally just said no more dates.

Mom