Page 176 of Sour Notes

It’s the first time this week it's given me any indication that it’s still a fully functioning appendage so I guess I should be grateful for anything I can get… even the shrinkage.

Without Mia in our life, I don’t see it feeling anything but revulsion anytime soon.

I can’t believe how badly I’ve fucked everything up.

If I hadn’t pushed Mia too soon, she’d be here with me now. On my arm. Ready to bid for my virtue.

Now there’s not a snowball's chance in hell Mary isn’t winning.

Haven walks up to us, wrapping her arms around Axel's waist, and my heart pangs at the look of love passing between them.

They make it look so easy.

Sure it hasn’t always been the case for them, but look at them now.

Axel sinks his hand into her pink hair, tugging it back to devour her, not caring who’s watching.

If I’d kept my mouth shut, I could be doing the same with Mia, even if it was fake.

This is exactly what I shouldn’t be thinking about. I’ve spent the last few days driving myself insane, locked in a mental battle between convincing myself I did the right thing walking away and kicking my own ass for not just carrying on as we were.

Hell, I haven’t even been able to turn my phone on. I told the chief I broke it on vacation and have been using a temporary burner phone at work instead.

How’s that for fucked up? I can’t turn it on for two reasons.

Firstly, because I'm a total dumbass who set my favorite photo from the wedding—the one where she’s staring up at me like she loves me—as my phone background and I can’t bring myself to look at it, but I don’t wanna change it either.

It’s fucking stupid either way considering I see it every time I close my eyes.

But I also don’t want confirmation that she hasn’t tried to reach out to me.

Right now, I can stay in sweet denial.

If I don’t see her name on that screen when I turn it on, well, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I know it won’t be pretty, though.

Cheering pulls me out of my dark spiral and I look up, my eyes snagging on the MC pointing in my direction.

“And now, we welcome our very own Deputy Heartthrob on stage for your bidding pleasure. Lieutenant Swayze Wolff.”

Oh god.

My feet are glued to the spot, every muscle heavy, almost like I’m trapped in quicksand.

I don’t want to do this.

I can’t do this.

Beckett slaps me on the shoulder, mouthing words in slow motion. Or maybe that’s me?

He shakes his head and shoves me. I stumble forward a step then drag myself on autopilot toward the stage.

The cheers and whistles are louder now, but I keep my gaze fixed on the tiny black spot of the microphone until it’s in front of me.

“Lieutenant Wolff, just listen to your adoring fans out here tonight. I know you’re a popular one. What would you like to say to everyone?”

The MC nods at me expectantly. Surely it’s written all over my face that I don’t wanna be here. I’m not drunk enough for this shit. Damn Axel for taking my whiskey.

I glare at his stupid, fire captain ass before scanning the rest of the room.