Page 54 of Catching Feelings

When I open my eyes, he’s turned around to look up the stairs leading from the entryway.

And when I follow his gaze, Ryan’s standing on the stairwell, mouth hanging open. As anyone would, having heard strange noises—I flush—and turning the light on to see your cousin and ex-whatever making out in your hallway.

I guess we know why the door was unlocked.

23. TYLER

My body flashes hot and cold with shame. I don’t dare look at Sabrina, with her loose hair and flushed cheeks and swollen lips and that short skirt and soft skin and—

Focus, Tyler.

I keep my eyes fixed on Ryan, who looks nothing like his usual self. He’s wearing an unfamiliar gigantic fluffy robe over plaid pajama pants. There are fuzzy slippers on his feet; his nose is red and his eyes seem swollen. Or maybe he’s just blinking in shock at the sudden light and the surprising sight he found below him.

My stomach tightens with guilt. This is not the Band-Aid ripping I had in mind.

No one’s speaking. All I can think about is how, just a few moments ago, I had Sabrina pressed against that door. Since when do either Ryan or Sabrina have nothing to say? Did I kiss all the words right out of that girl? I’m looking between the two of them, back and forth, waiting for someone to give me a clue, but the air is thick with unspoken words, and neither of them is doing anything, and I have to say something or I’ll explode.

I clear my throat. “I thought you were going to Madison.”

He looks at me, open-mouthed, as if I’m the stupidest person he’s ever seen.

That was maybe not the right thing to say.

“I’m not feeling great,” he says slowly. He sweeps a hand over his Ebenezer Scrooge getup, and yeah, I guess I could’ve figured that out. “So, I stayed home.”

“Sorry you’re not feeling well,” Sabrina says behind me. Her voice sounds weirdly cheery and fake. Like she just tucked away everything real and vulnerable she unfolded tonight and is back into her typical mode, sweeping it all under the rug and smoothing over any hint of conflict. “Do you need anything? Medicine? We could go get some!”

When I turn to look at her, only the expression on her face gives away her inner turmoil. There’s no light in her eyes—only fear. Fear of disappointing someone, of making someone angry at her.

I reach for her hand instinctively, but her fingers twitch away. I freeze, then shove my hand in my pocket. I try not to take it personally. She just doesn’t want to do the PDA thing in front of Ryan. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. I get it.

But my hand feels awfully cold without hers.

“What I need is for you two to explain what’s happening here.” He shakes his head, frowning in confusion. “Are you… together for real?”

I look back at Sabrina. She’s going to have to be the one to take the lead here—I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever the two of them have going on.

She bites her lip, and fresh resolve enters her eyes. When she turns back to Ryan, they’re soft in apology.

“Yeah,” she says. “We were just friends for a long time, really. I actually started talking to him because I wanted you to leave me alone. Isn’t that funny?” She forces a laugh, but no one laughs with her. This is one moment Sabrina, the Spirit Committee president, can’t smooth over with a bubbly joke or two. “We thought we could go to homecoming as friends, and then you’d let yourself move on to Haley—because I knew you didn’t really like me, it was just one of your things—you can never let go of someone you enjoy flirting with—”

“And then we started to really like each other,” I interrupt. Stay on message, Sabrina. I’m looking at her instead of at Ryan, and God, I’d endure any awkward conversation for this girl. “But we just went on our first date tonight.” It was magical, I finish silently. The best date I’ve ever been on. Please, don’t let this ruin it.

Ryan shakes his head, looking dazed. “This is wild.” He descends the stairs to perch on the bottom step. With his hair mussed and his knees poking up toward his chest, he looks like an overgrown kid. “I’m gonna need a minute. I just don’t know what to think.”

Fuck. Am I handling this right at all? Or was everything I’ve been telling myself—that Ryan doesn’t really care about Sabrina, that he doesn’t need to know how close we’ve gotten—as much of a lie as saying Sabrina and I are just friends?

The three of us stare at one another for a minute, the air only growing heavier with hurt and guilt and tension. I hate that Ryan found out this way—and when we were just about to come clean, too. After everything he’s done for me this year… I wince, my gut churning with acid regret.

Then Sabrina clears her throat behind me. “I think I should go,” she says. Every line in her body is tense, and she avoids my gaze as she backs toward the door. “Let you two figure this out. I’m just…”

“Sabrina. You don’t need to go.” My voice is intent. This is between the three of us, and if Sabrina leaves now, I’m afraid we’ll never get this settled, and I’ll lose her to the front she puts on at school every day. The one that smiles and smiles and helps and helps and keeps everyone happy. Everyone except herself.

She meets my eyes for one split second before she shuts the door behind her. I want to drop a kiss on her lips or her cheek or her forehead—anywhere to tell her this will be okay, that I’m still here beside her, that we deserve to figure this out—but this is definitely not the moment.

And then she’s gone.

Ryan stands again, wobbling slightly. What kind of sick is he? Should he be exerting himself like this? But I’m not about to tell him that I think he should lie down when he seems to be getting very angry at me.