Page 45 of Merciless

I was so young when he had torn my entire world apart that I still couldn’t manage to piece it back together. I had abandoned all hope, knowing I’d forever live in a space that was tarnished and fucking damaged. I was damaged.

He did that to me. He was responsible.

Did he truly understand what I went through and the irreparable impact he had on my psyche? It was truly time I found out.

Licking my dry lips, I reverted to the same question I asked earlier. “I want you to be honest, William. Where would we be right now if I hadn’t revealed Nikita’s secrets? Would you have ever given her up? Would you have sacrificed everything to have me as your son again? Would I have ever been your first choice?”

In the split second that followed, I’d received my answer loud and clear, without him having to say a thing.

His shoulders slumped inwards as guilt and shame twisted his features. We both knew the answer.

I never would have been his first choice.

Never.

My eyes shut tight as a low keening tore from my chest, unable to be held back from the pure agony ripping up my insides.

It tunnelled deep, tearing through the innermost parts of me and the protective barrier I had held onto for so long. I could feel myself splintering at the seams. My instincts urged me to run, escape and find a safe place. I don’t feel safe here, with him.

After a long minute, I opened my eyes to William, who recoiled at my raw intensity. I had nothing left to hide and decided to give in—let him see it all, just this once.

“This is farewell, William,” I said with finality.

“Colt, just take some time. You don’t have to decide anything—”

I held up a palm, cutting him off, raising to stand on two stable feet. There was no way he could miss the resolve in every tense line of my body.

“I deserve to heal. I deserve to be someone’s first choice,” I said, with full sincerity. “And I have finally chosen a path. I choose my own. I choose me.”

I turned to the door, taking advantage of his silence when my name was softly spoken from behind.

“Colton. If this is farewell, then let me leave you with this.” I paused in the doorway, allowing him one last word.

“I have no right to your forgiveness or any ounce of empathy. I failed you, my son, and for that, I will be eternally sorry. But if you’ll be so kind to hear the wish of a dying man?”

I tipped my chin to the side, indicating that I would listen.

“Please don’t let my mistakes and regrets guide you any longer. You are not broken, you are not a monster, and you are not beyond redemption. You are stronger than anyone I’ve ever known, and because of that, I know you will be brave enough to trust again. Then you won’t just live a normal life, but a phenomenal one.”

His voice cracked, remorse bleeding into each and every syllable. “Chase happiness, live for yourself and don’t look back. I send you off with my blessing and undying love. Be happy, my boy.”

As soon as he finished, I stepped outside of his room and let the door close behind me. I concentrated on taking one step at a time, refusing to buckle to my knees right there in the corridor.

I choose myself.

Chapter 28

COLTON

I had no intention of going to her, yet fate blindly led me there all the same—to the place I had desperately sought and avoided at all costs.

I couldn’t recall the drive or mindlessly making my way through the endless uniform rows, but as soon as I saw her engraved name, a sudden finality locked into place.

Bethany Richards.

“Mum,” I croaked, dropping to my knees before her headstone.

“Mum,” I repeated, subconsciously begging for some type of relief or benediction.