Page 12 of Sugar & Shadows

Day after day, I lived my life under a small-town microscope. I had to be good. Perfect, really. Never angry, never sad, and never, ever tired.

For a few short minutes last night, I’d forgotten all of that.

I’d done what I wanted.

Said what I wanted.

Consequences be damned.

And it had been fun.

I hadn’t guarded myself or obsessed over the right way to respond. The universe had given me a few honest moments.

Now I’d returned to reality.

I pushed a stack of papers off the counter. I’d clean eventually. But I was tired and my tiny house was mine.

No one crossed the threshold. No one invaded my sanctuary.

Out there, I had to be perfect.

In here. I could let my guard down. Which usually meant leaving things where they landed and getting so far behind on laundry that I ordered more socks and underwear online rather than throw a load into the washer.

Propping myself up against the counter, I sighed. What I wouldn’t give to run away. But I was the good boy. The valedictorian. Despite what Sabrina said, I’d earned that title.

And yes, I’d stayed in Vermont. I’d gone to college and law school at UVM so I could help on the farm on the weekends. And I’d spent my life being the good big brother and the son my parents could be proud of.

After school, I set up my law practice in town, kept my life small.

But I was tired. Burned out.

Was it normal to feel this way at only thirty-five?

Like my life was over? Like I was trapped by my decisions?

Probably not.

Josh would tell me to go to therapy. He’d left New York and his big finance career to return home and keep the farm going. To preserve our family’s land and the history for future generations.

He was a better person than me.

He’d gone out and lived, yet he’d still chosen his path.

Had I chosen mine?

I’d just kept walking in a straight line, blinders on, certain I was doing the right thing. Letting my conscience and my responsibilities lead me.

But had my obsession with being the good guy blinded me? Fenced me in? Kept me from discovering who I was and what I really wanted?

I couldn’t unpack all of that right now. Though I knew one thing for certain, I wanted to stay far, far away from Sabrina Monroe.

Given how shitty life around here had gotten since Will McManus’s death, since our town had earned a terrible reputation, being in her proximity would only make thing worse.

She and I did not get along. Never had. Never would.

I disliked her. It was an odd sensation for me, but it was true.

From the time I was a boy, my mom had taught me to see the good in everyone. To provide kindness and support and to be empathetic to those who may be struggling.