Page 63 of Left In The Dark

Logan.

I could have been with him in that tower today. He could’ve been the one carrying me down to my car right now too. But instead I’m in the arms of someone I badly want to hate but can’t because he’s all I have right now, and even he’s better than fading to nothing all alone in a barn.

Those are my two choices. Being cold, sick to my stomach, or inside a warm house where I get to be read to after a warm bath. I think a reasonable person would choose the second option. At least that’s what I keep telling myself to make my thoughts seem less crazy.

My hands hang at my sides as he continues walking with me. He sets me on what feels like a bed, adjusting a pillow behind my head, and when he’s done drying my front, he covers me with a blanket. He sits next to me, the mattress dipping as he closes in on me. I keep my eyes shut, letting my head fall as his fingers ruffle against book pages.

“Chapter one,” he says, running fingers through my hair, and his voice changer switches to a softer tone as he reads to me. His words slur as his fingers swipe to the fourth page and he yawns. Here goes another chance for me to run. I’m still not chained back up and there has to be so many heavy items around me. He repeats the last sentence he left off on, and his words are slower than before as he pushes on to the next few pages.

He goes quiet, the book falling between our legs, and when my hand lifts to my blindfold, he grabs at my wrist. I lock in place, heart beating out of control.

“What are you doing, little piglet? Who said you could take that off?”

The book moves off my leg and there’s a loud thud beside me. “We’re done reading for now,” he says between clenched teeth. “I think it’s time to put you to bed.”

“Oink,” I let out once without thinking twice. It came so naturally to me. Or was it out of desperation.

“Are you telling me no?”

“Oink, oink,” I answer with anguish in my tone.

“You’re being very bad suddenly. First trying to remove the blindfold I told you to keep on, and now you’re telling me no.”

I hang my head as I shift onto my knees. I touch around until I find his lap and lay my head in it with my ass in the air. I rub my face into his stomach, sniffing at him, and he sighs.

“Is this your way of saying sorry?”

I nod against him, getting the blindfold wet with my tears.

“Alright. We’ll read one more chapter and then I’ll take you back to your room.”

My room.

I didn’t have that back home. I was the only one who slept in it and it held all my things, but my dad never stopped reminding me that it wasn’t mine. That it was his and he could take it away from me with the snap of his fingers. He held it above my head daily. My clothes were paid for by him and so was my phone. It was all his. But here, when I’m given something it’s only called mine.

“My room,” I repeat in my head again.

The man stroking my back and scooting closer to me is giving me one that he wants to keep taking me back to.

My eyes rapidly open when a drop of water hits my face. I sit up, feeling around me and my blindfold is gone. The space heater is glowing in the corner of the room and I rub at my eyes, scooting back on my twin‑size mattress. I’m back in the barn. Unless I’ve been here all this time and dreamed I was somewhere else. What time is it? I try to stand and fall back down, a chain rattling.

No. I’m locked up again. I’m so stupid. I lost what might be the only chance I had. I can get sick again. If that’s what it takes for him to take me into the house again. It was real. I can remember the last words he read me of Water for Elephants before my eyes were unable to stay open any longer.

His room smelled way better than where I am now. He smelled better.

I sniff at my arm and run my fingers through my hair before bringing them to my nose. He used his shampoo and soap on me. I smell myself some more. I smell just like him. It almost makes me feel not so alone. Almost. The space around me suddenly feels so big. It’s cold too. I wrap my blanket all the way around me, and when drag it over my lap, my eyes widen.

I’m wearing underwear. They aren’t anything I’d usually wear but they’re clothes. Too bad they aren’t going to help warm me up. I look at the heater and drag myself closer, pulling the mattress with me. I stop when it gets too heavy. My muscles are too weak to try again. As I’m about to lie back down, I spot something on the other side of me that wasn’t there before.

It’s a mini fridge. I crawl toward it, shivering when my blanket falls off me. I open it and there’s several small bottles of water stuffed inside, along with string cheese piled on the inside of the door. My lips curl when my fingers come in contact with the yogurt tubes on the top shelf. Behind them are three boiled eggs in a Ziploc bag.

I snatch a bottle of water, one cheese stick, and a boiled egg. Carrying them back to the mattress, I crawl under the blanket and take a bite of the egg, moaning around it. I woke up hungrier than I realized. I barely got to eat much yesterday with my stomach being so upset. It’s a little uneasy this morning, so I eat slowly, letting the food sit on my tongue for a while before swallowing it back.

Wait, is it morning? It’s not very bright outside but not as dark as it usually is during the night here. I lift my head higher. It’s cloudy. Thunder and lightning strike the sky all at once, causing me to shrink in on myself.

I hate when it storms. It’s so loud and catches me off guard with all its unpredictable noises. Much like my dad. Whenever his voice came out like a bang it was always too late for me to get away. He’d grab me by my hair and drag me to my room or strike a hand across my face. I was always doing something to make him mad. I was out too late. I chewed too loudly. It didn’t matter what I did.

I tried and tried to make him happy and it kept backfiring on me. Sometimes the harder I tried, the worse it was. Maybe it’s because it didn’t come naturally to me like he wanted it to. He didn’t have to try to be everything he was proud of. My sister didn’t have to try for him to love her, and neither did my mom. Only I did. Over and over with no good ever coming of it.