Page 5 of Left In The Dark

Fuck him and fuck Blake. I squeeze my fingers on the steering wheel, my chest caving as I take the exit leading to where my parents live—or where my mom lives alone now after kicking my dad out and forcing him to stay with my grandma. I haven’t spoken to him yet, and I really don’t want to. I don’t need to hear his side or see his tears. My mom said he apologized profusely, begging her to take him back, but she couldn’t look at him the same way ever again. The trust between them has been forever lost.

I know the feeling very well. Stephen contacted me, two weeks after Blake had enough of him and moved on to his next victim, telling me how he’d made a mistake. After reminding him it was one he had to live with, I ended the call and blocked him. He emailed me days later, asking me to meet with him in person, and saying he’d even drive to me, but I didn’t respond and he hadn’t bothered me since.

I’m still not sure if I was more relieved or disappointed that he didn’t keep trying to win me back. Love really does make you feel like you’re losing your mind.

A car honks at me when I don’t move fast enough as soon as the light turns green. Letting out a harsh breath, I slam my foot on the gas. Everything has changed but is also the same. With a few added businesses and more people, it’s taking me longer to reach where I need to, but once I hit the back road home it’s smooth sailing.

My phone rings and I groan when I see my dad’s name flash on the screen. Mom must have told him I was coming. I wanted to go as long as I could without him knowing I was here. He always saw me as a let down, and I bet he’ll think even more lowly of me once learning I’ve dropped out of college.

Someone has to clean up the mess he’s left behind, though. Someone has to be here for Mom. I’m all she has. She was never close to her family, and they never treated us as good as they treated each other. It always felt like we were these annoying acquaintances they just tolerated, and my aunt always scrutinized me for every damn thing I did. My dad’s side, on the other hand, are at least tolerable. I don’t see them more than maybe three times a year, though, because they don’t exactly live close.

My phone goes off again, and I once again ignore it, turning onto our short dirt road. Years later, and our mailbox is still slanting in the ground, needing a paint job. The front gate is rusted in several places and guilt twists in my gut. I left her and she got stuck with all this—my dad’s infidelity, money issues, and letting everything around them turn to shit.

I get out of the car and yank the chain off the gate, not seeing any sheep anywhere. Jumping back in the car, I drive forward, and stop again to close the gate before continuing.

Mom is standing on the porch as I drive closer to the house, wearing a tired smile and her favorite apron. I rush her way as soon as I get out, and embrace her in a hug. She laughs, wrapping her arms around me. She smells like sandwiches and apple pie.

“Hey, hun. I’m happy to see you made it okay. I heard you driving up and wanted to see if you needed help bringing anything in.”

Looking back, I wave her off and step back. “No. I can do that later when I have the energy. I’ve been non-stop with everything today, and all I want to do is crash.”

“Not before you eat supper. Come on inside. I made BLTs, exactly how you like them.”

“Gluten free bread?” I lift a brow.

“Of course. A mother doesn’t forget her own child’s food allergies.” She beats me to the door, ushering me inside. “How was the drive?”

“Long. It felt longer than usual.”

“You know, you really didn’t have to leave school. I would have been fine.” She squeezes my arm as we walk into the kitchen.

“Of course I did. You’re out here all alone. Besides, there’s lots of work that needs to be done around here and I’m more upset at myself for not coming sooner.”

Her lips turn up into a soft smile. “That’s not your fault. I’ve done what I can, but I also had to start tending to what’s left of the animals.”

My feet come to a halt. “What’s left?”

Twisting her apron between her fingers, she looks at her worn‑out shoes. “Yeah. We had to sell the goats recently because we were falling behind on a lot of the bills. Your dad’s not selling at the farmer’s markets like he used to, and many of the businesses he was working with have switched to partnering with other farmers who have cheaper prices. So they say.” Her face draws tight. “I think his new reputation around town isn’t helping. Somehow people found out what he was doing behind closed doors.”

“Seems like there’s nothing more visible than those closed‑door activities,” I say, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek. “Don’t worry. I’m here now, and I’m going to do whatever I can to pull us out of all this mess.”

She smiles and nods. “Yeah you are, and I really am happy to have you back, even though I wanted better for you than this.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll have plenty of opportunities, and I’m getting pretty excited about my new career change.”

“You’ll get to see all your friends again too. They’ve been calling here and asking for you.”

“Yeah? I got texts from them yesterday, and I’ve been meaning to write back but keep getting sidetracked. Maybe after a nap I can go pay them a visit or we can meet up at Stanley’s.”

“I’m sure they’d like that, and it’d be good for you too.” My mom hands me a plate from inside the microwave and joins me at the table with her tea since she already ate.

We talk about everything I’ve been up to while away, and she tells me about the job she was offered at the antique shop downtown. My dad never cared for her to work before, and there’s so much light in her eyes when she mentions how she’ll be working the cash register for the first time.

After I finish eating, I help tidy up and head to my room. It’s exactly the way I left it. Radiohead posters hang above my bed and old bottle caps cover my headboard. I grab a pair of my old pajama pants and a pair of boxer briefs, struggling to stand up straight on my aching feet.

Dragging my heavy body to the bathroom out in the hall, I turn on the light and frown at the bags under my eyes. Blond hair peeks out between my brown strands, and I add a mental note to pick up a box of hair dye when I do my store run tomorrow. When I left, I didn’t want any of who I was here coming with me to somewhere new. Leaving it all behind, I traded my glasses for contacts, changing my blue eyes to brown to match my new hair. I got a haircut too, and grew a short beard, leaving me nearly unrecognizable to my friends when I video chatted with them.

Steam fills the shower seconds after I turn on the hot water. I strip out of my clothes and step under the welcoming stream, closing the curtain behind me. Shutting my eyes, I lean against the wall and jolt awake as my feet start to slip against the tub.