Page 87 of Break Me Not

My admission seemed to lift a weight off her mother's chest. She let out a deep breath and sank into her seat.

“So at least you can prepare her. For when it gets… for when I don't remember myself anymore. That's good. I'm grateful.” She tried to take another bite of her soup, but her hand was shaking so bad she had to put it back down. “I don't know what or why it happens to me. Where I go. I only realize it after, when I see the look on your face, and I… I'm sorry, Jaxie. I never wanted to hurt you like this.”

“Mama, let's not talk like this, okay?”

It was hurting Jax, but I could tell she needed to let it out.

“Honey, I know it's been hard for you. I know you've been doing all you can, and I appreciate everything you've done. But you don't know how happy it makes me to know that you finally have someone who can help you through this. This whole… situation has been like a nightmare. And knowing my little girl is having to deal with the awful person I've become…”

The tears were flowing freely now.

“You could never be awful,” Jax told her.

“It's not you,” I added carefully. “This is not who you are, and it does not define you.”

She looked at me with a gray smile. “Thank you, sweetie. And thank you for bringing food. I'll be looking forward to what you bring next time. Now, I think it's time for you to go while I'm still… me.”

Jax was about to fight back, but I saw it for what it was. She was still a mother trying to protect her child. It brought tears to my eyes.

I could see the care in her eyes. The worry for her child. And I could only imagine how hard it had to be to watch Jax leave and not know if you’d remember this next time. Or even if you would be the same person next time you saw her.

I imagined myself in her position, worrying over what I said or did and if it hurt her.

It's a hell I would never wish on anyone. And somehow she was still maneuvering it with so much grace.

“Do you have anything you want to eat next time?” I asked as I stood up.

“Oh, banana pudding, if you have the gift of making desserts,” she said, not even being shy about her request.

I gave her a bright smile. “Will do. You enjoy that, and we'll see you soon, okay?”

I grabbed Jax’s hand, giving them enough time to say their goodbyes before slowly taking her out of the room. She was silent until we left the hospital, but then, when I turned to her, she grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug.

“Thank you so much, I—” Her voice broke. I threw my arms around her and pulled her as close as I could to me.

“You did so great. I could see how wonderful she is.”

Is. Not was. One thing that always annoyed me was how my parents always talked about my grandfather in the past tense, even though he was right there.

“I never knew about… Well, I guess I never asked. Or maybe we haven't gotten that far yet.”

I pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were red and full of tears.

“We have all the time in the world to talk about ourselves,” I told her. squeezing her arms. “And from experience, I can tell you that you're doing the best you can for her. It's far more than what my parents ever did for my grandfather. I was young, but I knew he deserved more.”

“I just wish we…” Her face crumbled. “We had more time. I wanted her to see the wedding. Kids. Everything. But I know there may not be enough time for that.”

A quick realization passed across her face.

“Oh God… I didn’t mean… I didn't want to pressure you or⁠—”

“We have all the time in the world,” I reminded her and then looked up at her. “Kids. Is that something you want?”

She swallowed deeply, almost as if afraid to tell me what she was truly thinking.

“It's okay,” I coaxed. “I have Claire. I've always wanted Claire. It would be selfish of me to think you wouldn't want any more kids.”

“Any more,” she repeated with a slight chuckle. “I don't know if Claire would ever see me as a stepmother. I feel like she's way more mature than I am. But, as far as having kids, I… Maybe?” Jax paused for a moment. “You know, being adopted, I don't really know anything about my biological family, so I thought it would be nice to…”