Page 91 of After Midnight
“He’s . . . moody,” I say, remembering that night at Dex and Nora’s house. I didn’t spend any time with him apart from that evening. Taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl perched on the couch between us, I toss it into my mouth and chew thoughtfully for a moment, then say, “I think he’s going through a breakup. I didn’t talk to him much though. He was really quiet.”
“A breakup?” Riley perks up on the couch, eyes going wide.
Immediately, I give her a firm look and say, “No.”
She pouts. “But wouldn’t it be cool to date guys from the same band?”
“No,” I say again.
The idea of my little sister dating Lucas Moore makes me want to break out in a cold sweat. I got the feeling that he was on a downward spiral, heading somewhere bad fast, and she definitely needs to stay away from that.
“Ugh, fine.” She throws herself back on the couch, sighing and pouting in that way that only teenagers can. Then she lights up again. “Would you ever move there? To be with Sebastian?”
The question catches me so off guard that for a moment, I can only blink at her.
She rolls her eyes at me. “Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”
I have, though just a little, because every time the idea occurs to me, I shut it down immediately. It feels tempting in a way that’s dangerous, in a way that could flip my whole world upside down. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.
“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “My whole life is here. And I’m still saving money for your tuition, Ri.”
Riley’s expression softens. She lets out a small breath, then wriggles her toes toward me on the couch, snuggling them up under my thigh, like she’s done since she was little and we used to share a bed. “You know you don’t have to do that, right? I can work, Rem, just like you.”
Before I can jump in, she holds up a hand, halting the words that were about to leave my lips.
“Not stripping. I mean a job. I’m going to find a job once I’m in Cali. You don’t have to put your life on hold for me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I say.
Riley narrows her eyes at me, one brow arching, unconvinced.
Is that what I’m doing?
I think back to my conversation with Seb, when he asked me if I’d ever want kids, and I told him I wanted to just be for a while, to let life carry me. Is that because I feel like my life is on pause right now, with the money for Riley’s tuition taking up all my focus?
Riley sighs, then scoots around on the couch, spilling the popcorn bowl as she nestles up beside me, her chin finding the space alongside my neck. “I really appreciate what you’re doing for me,” she says, voice gone low and serious. “And Mom and Dad do too, even if it’s hard for them to say it.”
That makes my lips lift in the corners.
“But I don’t want to hold you back. You made your own way in life, and I can do the same.” Riley leans back and looks up at me. “Okay?”
I’m not sure how to feel, don’t really know what to say. If Riley didn’t need me anymore, what would I do?
Where would I go?
In my mind, I see sandy beaches and palm trees swaying in the wind. I think of that little restaurant on the pier that Seb took me to, the ease with which I seemed to fit into his friend group.
If I wasn’t needed here, would I have the guts to leave?
I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, but now that Riley has put them there, I have a feeling they’re not going to leave me alone.
But I’m tired, and I need to wash my face mask off, and Riley’s elbow is digging into my ribs right now.
“Off,” I tell her, pushing her up with a halfhearted groan. “And pick up the popcorn. It’s all over the couch cushions.”
Riley groans. “You’re just like Mom,” she mumbles.
I smile as I get to my feet. She starts to pick up the spilled popcorn kernels, and I watch her for a moment, thinking of her when she was young, remembering growing up together. I’ve always been her older sister, her protector. And I took on the burden of her tuition without anyone asking me to; it just felt like the right thing to do. I want to help her. I’ll always want to help her.
