Page 33 of Client from Hell

I could see that ploy working with time. “Make sure to tell them I won’t need the car soon, as I have a business vehicle to use, and that somebody needs to care for it while I’m in rehab. I’ll layer on some excuses later.”

Kanika sighed. “I can do that. Fine. I’ll try to get you some pecan pie. Just try to behave yourself for once in your life.”

“I did that already. I didn’t get mad when He decided to make my Sandra a spicy pony with bite. In fact, instead of getting upset, I became curious, and you know how much I enjoy a good mystery. What is a spicy pony with bite? I really want to know, and I can’t wait for Sandra to show us what she’s got.”

How wonderful. I’d become even more of an interest to Lucifer and his family. Worse, I’d transition to Lucifer’s property. “I’m assuming a spicy pony with bite is some form of equine capable of breathing fire and likes to bite. From my understanding of the situation, not a cindercorn.”

“That’s sad. I could always use more cindercorns,” Lucifer complained.

“Becoming a cindercorn was fairly high on my list,” I admitted. “So were dragons. But honestly, any horse is a good horse in my book. A spicy pony with bite is probably like a horse, right?”

“Ponies are like spunky small horses with more pride than sense,” the Devil confirmed. “You would make a stellar pony, so I’ll be pleased if you’re a pony or a horse. I must have done something to make my idiot father happy with me for a change. Darlene? I’m feeling dirty. You need to restore my sense of normality. Get naked.”

“No,” Darlene replied.

“But I like you naked.”

“Are you trying to earn being put on the couch tonight?”

“While I’m grateful to see evidence I’m not the only one Lucifer annoys, why am I stuck in traffic on the way to Atlanta?”

Lucifer snorted. “We already went over this. The dealership in Atlanta has the car I want you to have, so you have to go to Atlanta. Jonas, despite his many faults, is actually a good driver and can be useful for other things, so you get to keep him as your pet for a while.”

Darlene giggled. “While I won’t be getting naked for your amusement, you’re earning your way back into bed tonight with that talk. Have fun being Sandra’s pet, Jonas.”

“I have a cruel sister,” Jonas complained. “What if Sandra murders me and puts my body in the trunk of her new car?”

“Your body won’t fit in her trunk, even if she cut you into tiny pieces, so she’ll have to plan your murder better,” his sister replied.

Ouch. What had Jonas done to earn his sister’s ire? “I have to try on lingerie later, Jonas. Look on the bright side. We can guess what my bra size will be in three weeks, and we’ll make some bets on it. You can cope with your sister’s hatred until then.”

“Honestly, with those terms, you’re really right. I can cope with my sister’s hatred. It’d serve her right if you murdered me and dumped my body somewhere, though.”

I rolled my eyes at the thought. “You’re no use to me dead, you idiot incubus. Is there anything useful we should know about your errand list, Lucifer?”

“Just prioritize the rescues. If you don’t get to the rest, there’s always another day. Do as much as you can. Jonas, don’t let her push herself too far. Sacrifice your body if you must, but don’t let her overexert herself.”

The incubus chuckled. “I’ll take care of her. Try not to goad my sister into trying to kill you.”

“But why not? It’s so much fun. She’s wearing her spots and her wings today, and she’s very pretty.”

Jonas sighed. “Darlene, is he not feeding you properly?”

“He’s feeding me properly! I just last all of a few hours before I’m hungry again. It’s his fault. It’s that chest, and he keeps hiding his nipples from me. I’m hungry, and if he wasn’t wearing one of his best suits today, I’d probably last until tonight, but he’s prancing around in one of his best suits.”

“And on that nice note, I’m hanging up now. Have a good day.” I pressed the button to disconnect the call. “Heaven help me, but your family is insane, Jonas.”

“Heaven can’t help you now. No one can. I recommend you embrace the insanity with full enthusiasm. It helps on the bad days.”

I checked the address four times, but it led to the same place: a Lamborghini dealership. Jonas parked the rental in the lot, and he checked another four times, confirming we’d arrived at our destination.

Then, as an additional confirmation shit had hit the fan and the Devil held responsibility, a sleek sports car waited in the front of the building. It had a white bow, which contrasted nicely with its forest green paint and chrome trim. Had I seen the vehicle on the road, I would have been staring until it was out of sight, drooling all the while.

“Jonas, that car has a bow on it.”

“Lucifer does like asking dealerships to put bows on the presents, to make sure the recipient understands they have been given a great gift from His Sulfurous Majesty. Just be grateful he didn’t ask for the whole thing to be wrapped. He gets ideas.”

“But it’s a Lamborghini, Jonas.”