Page 29 of Client from Hell

“She. Your virus is female because you are female.”

I considered him with interest before shrugging. “I’m woman enough to handle my virus’s heartbreak. She will get over it, and we’ll catch a man who’ll want to stick around with a spicy pony with bite. I’ll just view it as a lesson in the bad side of relationships, as love doesn’t have anything to do with this equation.”

“Now that we’ve gotten the important details hammered out, tomorrow, we’ll see if you’re capable of handling a walk and start some physical therapy. If you progress through physical therapy well, then we can begin physical therapy in bed.”

“So, you’re saying if I want you to be my bed buddy, I need to get off my ass and work like I mean it.”

“Precisely.”

“The game is on, Jonas. However much I like board games, I’m ready to be able to go do these dumb errands Lucifer has for me. Honestly, there’s only so many times I can crush you at chess before I become burdened with guilt over crushing your fragile ego.”

“Excellent. Bath first, and then we’ll go on our first adventure to the restaurant in the lobby. You will deserve a treat for having walked that far.”

It took a week for Jonas to declare me healthy enough to attempt Lucifer’s errands, and while I got dressed, he called his brother-in-law to get the updated list of things we needed to accomplish. Judging from how long Jonas spent jotting down notes, we would be out all day, and I would be an exhausted, quivering mess by the time we finished.

I could live with that, especially if it helped unlock him as my bed buddy. Technically, he served as a bed warmer, as I had a difficult time keeping warm due to my non-existent body fat. When I viewed my life as a video game, I was stuck on a hell level, but I got an excellent prize when I beat the level’s boss. For defeating the first hell level, I would receive Jonas as my prize. A few extra weeks might leave him hungry, and from what I’d researched on the internet, little beat a hungry incubus out for a meal.

To make sure my plans succeeded, I’d have to make sure our errands included a stop at a lingerie store.

While it would be months before I became healthy, I would at least feel pretty when I hunted an incubus and enjoyed his hunger.

Jonas hung up his cell and grunted. “Lucifer’s list is ridiculous.”

“Lucifer is ridiculous, so it comes as no surprise to me that his list is also ridiculous. What’s on our schedule?”

“He has selected a vehicle for you. We’re to go pick it up. It’s been waiting at the dealership. Both of our names are on the vehicle’s insurance, as he wasn’t sure if you’d be able to drive it yet. It’s probably a manual, judging from his concerns over if you’d be able to drive it without lessons.”

“I can drive a manual,” I announced, rather proud of being one of the few who could. “My parents used old cars, and they learned because sometimes the only car they could afford was a manual. I learned to drive on a manual because of that. Their current car is an automatic.”

“Ah, yes. Their current car is basically new inside while using the old body. They will find it is much better on mileage and has a blatant refusal to break down. Their mechanic might get a little confused when they go to give it an oil change, but that’s a small matter. They’ll never fail an emissions test again, that’s for sure.”

My parents would be shocked when their car made it to its next oil change without some problem cropping up. “The poor tax sucks.”

“The poor tax? Oh, you mean having to keep buying, repairing, or replacing something because you were forced to get it cheap, thus spending more money than if you’d just purchased the better item to begin with?”

“Yes, that. The poor tax.”

“I remember the poor tax from when I was a mortal. It was not pleasant. Darlene did her best to mitigate the poor tax, but I was not much help with that. After we were converted, she claimed the car that had caused all of the problems for us, and she gave it to Lucifer as a present. My sister is an entity of pure evil, by the way.”

“Lucifer loves your car, doesn’t he?”

“Second only to his family. To him, it’s the ultimate trophy. He likes reminding me how I’m responsible, but then he gets ticked off because he has to thank me at the same time he’s scolding me, as because of me and that damned car, he has Darlene in the first place. Sometimes, he lets me drive it on errands, though.”

“You love the car, too, don’t you?”

“Definitely. I learned a lot of lessons from that damned car.”

Having a new car—or any car with fewer than a hundred thousand miles on it—would be a novelty. “All right. After we go to the dealership, what’s next?”

“Clothing shopping. His directions are to fill the trunk three times with clothes, twice for you, once for me. Honestly, I’ll teleport with everything back to the hotel to save the trips. You are to dress me to your standards rather than mine. Apparently, I need help, and he’s tired of having half-starved, cranky demons in his house.”

Some errands were easier than others. “If Lucifer is trying to work his way into my good graces, he’s doing an excellent job of it. But to make the sting a little more tolerable, one trunk load of clothes can be you dressing me. Bed buddies should be able to dress each other sometimes.”

“Deal.” Jonas referred to the errand list, and he sighed. “Lucifer has informed me there will be abandoned, needy kittens at a set location at a set time. He gave me the times and the location. He expects us to go pick up the kittens. He was not precisely clear what we should do with the kittens once we have acquired them, but I have been warned they are infected with some form of contagious disease, so we are not to let anyone other than us handle the kittens.”

The poor kittens. “May I borrow your phone, please?”

Jonas unlocked and handed me his phone. Upon poking through this contacts and recent call list, I identified Lucifer’s number and pressed the connect button before holding it to my ear.