Page 15 of Client from Hell

“Hey,” the Devil protested in the background. “What did I do now?”

“You’re bothering me. I’m on the phone, and if you keep bothering me, I’ll instruct Sandra to be more ruthless with her counteroffer.”

“That’s not encouraging me to stop bothering you,” Lucifer replied.

“Go away!” A moment later, something crashed, and the Devil yipped. “Damn it, I even liked that lamp.”

It took a moment or two to gather my courage, but I asked, “Did you just throw a lamp at Lucifer?”

“Not only did I throw a lamp, I hit him in the face with it. I really need to stop putting lamps I like on my desk. He comes and bothers me, and it’s the closest projectile with sufficient weight nearby to make it actually hurt if I hit him.”

“He lets you do that?”

“He encourages it. If he didn’t want to be hit in the face with a lamp, he’d stop giving me lamps.”

“Such a cruel, low blow,” the Devil complained. “How will I ever recover?”

Diana snorted. “I don’t know. Go ask Darlene. While you’re at it, send that idiot brother of hers here. I need him to do me a favor. Anyway, I’m sorry about that, Sandra. He’s leaving, probably to pick glass shards out of his face. That’ll keep him busy for a few minutes.”

“You really hit your boss in the face with a lamp?”

“I absolutely hit him in the face with a lamp. Once he’s done picking glass shards out of his face, he’ll send one of the fucking assholes over to clean the mess up, and it’ll let him do some minor rehab work without it cutting into his schedule. You’ll have to learn how to do that sort of micromanagement. Sometimes, the best way to get something done around here is to make a mess that Lucifer needs to clean up. Just plan the messes accordingly. If you spot a good opportunity to force him to do some light rehab work, do so. We want to keep his workload light, but we also need to make sure he’s visible. And yes, we really do call the souls in need of rehabilitation fucking assholes. It was Darlene’s idea. Souls don’t make it here without needing some serious alignment adjustments, so it’s fitting.”

Life, just when I’d thought it was going to be over, had become strange. “There’s the problem of my education.”

Diana made a disgruntled noise before clearing her throat. “Your education is not a problem. Lucifer wants us minions to have the schooling we want. I’m taking classes in the evening, because higher education was denied to me due to my circumstances. Now I go in to learn what I want, and I have a tutor to help me catch up on what I missed due to religiously restricted learning. Your record implies you come from a poor background, but your parents took your schooling seriously, so you went into higher education ahead of the curve—and your grades up to now have been stellar. Better than perfect, really. We’ll adjust your schedule so you can continue your education, and Lucifer absolutely will make use of the fucking assholes to help you on that front. There are some truly brilliant minds here, and they will work with us to avoid the harsher punishments. It cultivates a more nurturing spirit down the road, too. The soul remembers.”

“But will he pay for it if, say, I want to be an academic attorney with a doctorate in European history?”

“Absolutely.”

Huh. “Am I really lucky or really unlucky? A few weeks ago, I was dying of cancer. Now I’m getting a free ride for all the schooling I want?”

“You’re both. You’re lucky in that you qualified for the treatments, but you’re unlucky in having caught Lucifer’s attention. That said, you’re also lucky you caught Lucifer’s attention, because for all he’s the Devil, his capacity for affection and love is matched by few. You’ll get used to him and his contradictions. My recommendation is to try not to worry about it.”

“Diana, I have requests,” Lucifer announced in the background.

“Didn’t I just get rid of you?” the Devil’s secretary complained. “I need more things to throw at you, damn it all. What requests? I’m trying to use the phone here.”

“My requests are errands for Sandra once she’s released. You may use this as ammunition against my wallet.”

“I have changed my mind. You may enter my domain and give me your list of requests.”

“I even wrote them down for you.”

“In the like ten whole seconds since I hit you with my lamp?” Diana sighed.

“No, not precisely. I had the list already, but I got distracted when you hit me with the lamp,” Lucifer admitted. “I am going to go fetch someone to clean the mess up. Do you want an artist, a musician, or a dancer?”

“Musician, harp, and make it somebody who can teach me how to play,” she requested.

“It shall be as you wish. Clothed, tastefully undressed, or nude?”

“Clothed, else Darian will…” After a long moment of silence, Diana cleared her throat. “Tastefully undressed, now that I’m thinking about it. And send for that fiancé of mine. I suppose I could use some evening entertainment.”

“I’ll even have someone to make you a new lamp on the promise you don’t break it on my face.”

Diana huffed. “Always conditions with you. Fine, but you better have somebody make me some vases I can chuck at you.”