Page 8 of Catnapped

Claudine snagged Raguel by the arm and Belial by his ear and dragged both of her men towards my front door. “Don’t let the woman get away, do what your uncle says, and try not to cause more trouble than you can contain without assistance. I’ll discuss this with your fathers and get back to you. Diana, charge the Devil for a week at a nice hotel in the meantime. That couch will kill your back, and the boy’s bed is no better. He needs a new one.”

“I can afford a hotel,” I said.

“It’s better if you make the Devil pay for it. It makes him feel useful, and for all he’s the Devil, he’s really a grouchy angel in disguise, and doing good things makes him feel wanted and useful. Darlene gets bitchy if he doesn’t feel wanted and useful.”

Without another word, Claudine left with her husbands, and Raguel managed to get the door closed behind him.

What a strange family. I sighed. “Add a reasonable condition to the bargain for a week at a good hotel, Lucifer.”

“An hour where you’re forced to listen to life advice from me. I will give you a week notice to set up the appointment unless I’m already scheduled to be in your domain. You’d never stop a guest from lecturing you.”

Ugh. What a shitty bargain, but it was something I could afford to pay. I could survive through an hour of torture and anguish at the Devil’s hands. “Fine.” It would be a pain in my ass, but I could deal with an hour of listening to the Devil. “Bargain made, even though I suspect I will regret this.”

“You’ll find out soon enough,” the Devil promised.

Three

“Why are we discussing my panty situation?”

The next time I bargained with the Devil, I needed to remember to specify the hotel’s location. When the Devil called the CDC and informed them that he needed me for a week, I realized I’d gotten played. Worse, the CDC tended to jump at Lucifer’s order. The half of the conversation I could hear implied I’d be the Devil’s bitch for at least a week.

I waited for him to hang up before I announced, “If you lose me my job, I’m bringing Darlene into this.”

“I pay better for the same work.”

Narrowing my eyes, I considered him. “It’s not losing me my job if I quit, that’s true. You can pitch me the benefits, and I’ll even listen.”

“Two guaranteed days a week off, where I won’t disturb you unless the world is at literal risk of ending or my wife makes me, is only the beginning of the benefits I can offer you. You’d also only have to work eight hours a day, and thanks to my wife’s wicked influences, I pay my salaried minions overtime, as a salary does not give me rights to blatantly abuse my minions. I have to save the abuses for the fucking assholes in residence.” The Devil smirked. “That would give you time to actually make use of your pretty panties in the future.”

“Why are we discussing my panty situation?”

“You gave me rights to handle everything in your house. That includes your panties. It would be a shame for such a wonderful selection of sinful panties to go to waste. As such, my job offer must include opportunities to make use of your pretty panties.”

I tilted my head in Darian’s direction. “And is there a reason we’re discussing my panties in front of your nephew?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. First, once I have my way with your wardrobe, you will be highly desired by most men. A little competition is good for him, especially as his overbearing parents do a fairly good job of curtailing his ability to meet women. I have high expectations for my nephews and nieces. Belial provided him with a lot of good gene markers, but it takes a certain amount of cultivation to turn them on. Usually, the triad’s grandchildren get the highly potent magic, but Darian has the right gene combinations to put on a good show if I cultivate him a little.”

“Why do I want to be cultivated?” Darian asked, his tone more curious than concerned, something I found intriguing.

Wise men became concerned when the Devil came around wanting something.

“You’ll be great with women, you’ll make an excellent father, and you’ll have your father’s tendency to bring general ruin to those who cross you and your family. Because of your other father’s influences, you’ll only ruin those who really deserve it and be generally more of a protector. But since I’m being honest today, as lying does tend to annoy Diana, I want you two to have a child so I can move forward with some of my other plans.”

Right. The Devil played the long game, and my life meant little in his general plans. “How delightful. Had I known you view me as a gene donor in your general plans, I would have added additional conditions to the initial bargain.”

“That is why I neglected to tell you that until after you’d struck the first bargain with me. But aren’t I a generous being? I am giving you an opportunity to negotiate with me using that knowledge.”

“How generous of you.” When I got my cat back, I hoped Mr. Flooferson the Magnificent realized how much I loved his furry ass. Dealing with the Devil might do me in, but why did he think I wanted a man or children?

Okay. I could use two or three children under foot, but in what universe did I have time for even one?

“Well, if you worked for me, you’d have the time,” Lucifer informed me.

With my house in shambles, my wardrobe’s days long over, and everything I owned either broken or damaged, I could understand why someone might cut a deal with him. “Does your job offer include sufficient compensation to deal with some amorous man trying to convince me I should settle down and have kids? Because if it doesn’t, it should—and you should lay out all of the benefits parents might enjoy while in your employ. Don’t forget the healthcare. Kids are not cheap, nor are the health bills involved with having kids.” I gestured to my house with a sweeping motion of my hand. “And this house? This house is not suitable for children or a husband, so you better put some thought into that aspect of things.”

Having been around when the Devil tricked his poor daughter into putting up with him, I acknowledged I’d likely somehow fall into his plans one way or another.

The matchmaking abilities of the Devil, frankly, scared me a lot more than any of his hells.