Page 49 of Catnapped

“I doubt it will be that simple, but considering how much work they put into hiding the papers, it is possible. I suspect it’ll give us the names of the main operators. Using the various law enforcement databases, we might be able to locate someone willing to talk. I have my doubts, though.”

“Why?”

“Operations like that tend to shut betrayers up in a rather permanent fashion. That’s how I ultimately got shot. They failed to shut me up.”

“Now that I’ve met your parents, how did any of them actually survive?”

“I have made a point of not checking into their fates, as it’s not my parents I’m worried about. Lucifer, however, has no scruples about telling some mortal somebody annoyed him. People will do a lot to earn the Devil’s favor, as though that will somehow prevent them from going to his many hells for reformation.” Darian stretched out his legs and made himself comfortable. “Also, I wouldn’t trust any member of my family. They do precisely what they feel will get them the result they want. Unless you explicitly tell them you don’t want to become, say, a succubus, if they think you’ll be best off as a succubus, that’s what you’ll become. Personally, I wouldn’t complain, but it’s a lot of work keeping a succubus monogamous, and it involves a great deal of attention from her partner. I’m not sure I’m up for taming a succubus.”

Well, I could think of one good reason why Lucifer wouldn’t work that angle. “Darlene would likely attempt to assassinate me within a week if I became a succubus. She is the true definition of jealous.”

“This is true. How disappointing for me. I won’t get to have my very own succubus to wrangle and tame. I’m heartbroken from disappointment.”

“I’m not kissing anything to make it better right now. I’m busy.”

“‘Right now’ implies you might later, and I view this as a promising and encouraging development. When would be an appropriate time to inquire about such a thing?”

While awkward, Darian also counted as wretchedly adorable in his tentative explorations of flirtation. After excessive exposure to the Devil and Darlene, I’d become a master at identifying such hints, although Darian was a step below using a bat to get his point across compared to Lucifer’s sly seductions of his wife. As consent topped the sexy charts, he’d already done a lot to earn a later invitation. “We can talk after the bandages are gone.”

“Ah, right. Those. Does it hurt? I usually keep some ibuprofen in my briefcase. Idiots give me headaches. I keep acetaminophen, too. If you want anything stronger than that, I’m going to need to call in a few favors from some doctors I know, but I’m sure I can get you something to take the edge off.”

“It’s not bad enough to take anything, really. It just aches when I forget and move more than I should.”

“Pain can hamper recovery.”

I kept myself from rolling my eyes through focusing on the temperamental equipment I needed to calibrate to make sense of the vials we’d pilfered from the site. “Okay, hit me up with a pair of each and some water, and if there’s chocolate anywhere in this joint, I could use a hit.”

While Darian handled that, I resumed work, starting with the easier calibrations, which involved testing the samples included with the scanner. Either I’d gotten lucky or someone, likely the Devil, had already played with it, as I had a perfect score on the common live samples. The trickier work, which included a through-plastic scan of a sample of gorgon dust, always put me on edge. The device did as it was supposed to, much to my relief.

I returned the samples to their carry case in case I needed to recalibrate the device, and I waited for Darian to bring me my requested water, medications, and chocolate. I popped the pills, guzzled the water, and attacked the foil wrapper of my favorite treat.

“My mother always told me to come prepared with chocolate. Until this moment, I had no idea how right she was.”

“It has been a long week.” I bit off another chunk of chocolate and pointed at his hand. “Hold that out. It’s time to test this on a live sample.”

“Is that all I am now? A live sample?”

“Yes.” I grinned at him and set up the device to do a complete diagnostic scan. “If you were in a hospital setting, the tests I’m about to run would cost fifty thousand. I’m going to know everything about you within the next hour.”

“Everything?”

“Everything, including your sperm count. At least you shouldn’t be getting any surprises about your parentage, so that’s something.”

He sighed. “I now have performance anxiety, and I don’t even have to perform. I like children and eventually want to have them.”

“If you can’t, your uncle is the Devil. I’m sure he’d bargain with you for a trip to the angelic body shop. I will say, the angelic body shop? Might be worth the price paid in various bargains. Had I gone to a clinic, it probably would have taken six months just to get a diagnosis, and then treatments can take months to complete—if they work. A week of some aching is not a big deal.” I frowned. “Plus, that weird blue flame whenever I use magic. I wonder if I should be concerned about that.”

“Holy fire,” Darian replied. “I’m guessing they gave you a fairly hefty dose of it to get rid of the cancer. That you’re going to have an archangel sneaking in after you’re asleep tells me you’re going to be getting another dose of that, too. It wouldn’t surprise me if Lucifer joins in with demonic or devilish energy. Either will make you easier to convert, too. Conversions infused with holy fire tend to have ridiculously good natures.”

“How do you know that?”

“Dad and Father like telling me about this, because they’re determined to have me extend my lifespan. In a way, I feel guilty because I’m really aware of how much all of my parents love me and how often other parents just don’t. Like yours.”

I sighed, grabbed Darian’s hand, and jabbed him with the scanner’s needle. It beeped to confirm it had detected blood, and after several beeps, which I translated as a successful sample acquisition, it went to work figuring out what made Darian tick. I set the scanner on the table. “It’ll take a while for that to work, and when it’s done, I’ll hook it to my laptop and get the full diagnostic reading. Once I confirm everything is working as intended, we’ll begin with a proximity scan of the vials. In the meantime, show me how these papers are to be handled. We may as well make the most of our time.”

“I think you should run a scan on yourself, too.”

“I’m scanned every year as part of working with the CDC.”