Page 73 of Grave Humor

“He deserved it.”

“I really did,” Satan agreed. The Lord of Lies and possessor of too many titles for me to remember rubbed his face. His nose bled blue fire. “Maybe you should do that again. My wife might actually take pity on me for a change.”

Without waiting for any other invitation, Eoghan popped Lucy in the right eye. “I will never reject such a kind offer. Thank you. Would you like your left eye to match your right one? You’ll need to halt your regenerative powers should you wish to garner any sympathy from your wife.”

“No, that’s quite all right. Thank you. I think that’s enough.”

“Are you sure?”

“Quite sure, thank you.”

“Why did you find that offensive, Eoghan?”

“He likes his secrets and enjoyed when you scratched behind his ears.”

My eyes widened. “You’re my dog?”

Eoghan sighed. “I truly hate you, Lucifer.”

“He is. I told you, Anwen. All facets of death have converged on Sunset, and who better to judge the state of death than Death himself? He would be the best person to know about Death; he is death in the flesh—one of three parts who can exist in the flesh. Azrael is the second. I’m sure he’d just love to—”

Eoghan slammed his fist into the devil’s gut, a perfect hit to the kidney if the devil had human organs.

Apparently, the devil did, as he choked out a gasp and doubled over. Then, as the antique wasn’t finished bringing the devil down low, Eoghan rammed his knee into Lucy’s groin. “Maybe your wife will thank me for that one.”

Ouch. “I think he’s paid for his sins for a while there, Eoghan.”

“What she said,” the devil gasped out.

Without any hesitation, Eoghan clobbered the back of the devil’s head with his elbow. “But are you truly certain about that, Anwen?”

I thought about it. “You know, if you beat him sufficiently, I’d be forced to feel pity and sympathy for him, which I would have to share with his wife. I should go to the grocery store and get something for a picnic. There should be a nice place in the back yard we can use. Just don’t beat him so much he can’t be useful and keep his word to remove the house and save on the demolition fees.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

I took my grandmother’s jewelry box and headed for the truck, leaving the devil to his fate.

I bought too much food, acquired a weed eater and enough gasoline to run it, a blanket to make picnicking cozy, and everything else we’d need to have a nice afternoon in the back yard. A pair of mountain bikes later, because I’d always wanted a bike and someone to ride with me, and I headed back to my new house to discover Eoghan beating on the devil still with an audience of a hybrid snow leopard wearing a form-fitting blouse and a pair of jeans. She bounced on her toes and clapped, her tail poofed as the devil liked.

“I haven’t had this much fun since the last time Kanika seriously tried to kill you,” she said with laughter in her voice. “What did you do now, you big idiot? Death is trying to kill you, and he might even get away with it if you keep pushing his buttons.”

“My name is Eoghan,” Eoghan replied.

“But you’re Death.”

“So? I am also Eoghan. Azrael is Death as well, but he is also Azrael. I’m sure the third facet also has a name, which isn’t Death.” Eoghan kicked the devil in the back of his heel, earning a yelp. “Must you be so difficult, Lucy?”

“Yes. He can’t help it,” the snow leopard replied, and she snickered and pointed at her husband. “You’re getting your ass kicked by Death.”

“And you like it, you cruel wife,” Lucy complained.

“Of course I like it. Every time I try, you just laugh at me and say it tickles. You enjoy it. You aren’t enjoying this beating.”

I shut Lady Luck’s door, hauled the groceries out of the back, and set it down nearby before getting the weed whacker, filling it up with gas, and starting its motor. “All right, Eoghan. He’s been beaten enough. Please watch my grandmother’s jewelry box. I have a back yard to slay. I can’t picnic in a jungle. Lucy, get rid of that eyesore of a house, make sure the cops don’t have a problem with your demolition services, and take care of the drinks. If I didn’t get the right food, bring whatever you think is better with you when you come, but be aware you will be eating my offerings at the risk of Eoghan beating the sin right out of you.”

“That would be quite the feat,” the devil’s wife replied, grinning. “Can I watch?”

“Absolutely.”