Page 45 of Grave Humor

I disliked I’d have to tell the bastard anything, but if I played at cooperating, I might not be the next poor bastard dumped into a drum of formaldehyde. “Yes, I know his name. It’s Eoghan Olin. According to him, he wakes up sometime during each emergence, and he gets really cranky when anyone screams. His initial reaction is to silence whomever is screaming. I’ve been told I’m fortunate he didn’t silence me permanently.” That bit fell into the lie category, but it sounded authentic enough to my ears. “I don’t know how old he is, but he’s been awake at least three emergences. The CDC is interested in him for research purposes, but beyond that, I have no real idea how far their interest goes. I was hired to teach him the ropes about modern society until he decides he gets bored and goes back to sleep, I guess.”

“What is the likelihood he will return to his slumber? Do you think he could be reawakened should he slumber?” Something about the director’s voice changed that caught my attention. “Has he mentioned anything about the dead to you?”

I grimaced at his questions, and I hoped he interpreted that as my general dislike of my situation. “Right now? He’s probably investigating every grocery store in the state. He finds them fascinating, and he has a tendency to want to explore everything.” Well, for at least the first five minutes, after which he would go find something else to investigate. “He does exactly what he wants, how he wants. It’s annoying.”

With a little luck, he’d believe my grimace was tied to a deep-set dislike of Eoghan, the biggest lie I’d told yet.

Apparently, either my ex-boss believed I was the type to resent someone like Eoghan, or I lied better than I thought, but Director Hammel considered my words, and after a long moment, he nodded. “How easy is it to break into your house at the moment?”

The change of subject startled me. “My house?”

“If that is where he is staying, that is the easiest place to capture him.”

Ah. Right. Of course. If the director didn’t mind killing people and using them as alibis to cover his activities, breaking into my home wouldn’t bother him at all. “The neighbors get mad and they all have guns, the dog’s an angel but will wake the neighborhood, and there’s a vampire who doesn’t have any need to sleep during the day around.” I had no idea if the stray was angelic, noisy, or aggressive, but maybe my lies would protect him. I had a good lock on my door thanks to my asshole parents, and it was made of nice painted steel. The windows would put up a decent fight unless they broke them, too. “It’s a pretty safe house.”

“Which neighbors would I have to worry about the most?”

I rolled my eyes. “All of them. Jeff Henrys lives across the street, and he don’t take kindly to that sort of thing.”

Even Director Hammel had the sense to be cautious when it came to the old coot and his gun collection. “So taking him at your house is likely not a wise idea.”

“No, it really wouldn’t be, and I haven’t been around him long enough to figure out his habits.”

“What habits does he have? Is he an early riser? What does he eat? Has he shown you any of his magic?”

Well, I could figure out what he’d do the instant he got word I’d been kidnapped; he’d set about paying Director Hammel a visit, and it would be a bloodbath, one Gordon would likely participate in. I’d help with the bloodbath part of things if opportunity allowed. I took a look around the moldy basement, lit by an old oil lamp. A crumbling stone staircase led up to a landing overhead. “Where are we, anyway?”

“This is the central mausoleum in the cemetery. I moved the previous resident so I could make better use of the building. This is the deepest wing. It’s interesting, isn’t it? It was built right after the beginning of this emergence, when the owners of these plots worried the dead would rise. Some dead did rise—but not in the way anyone anticipated. We expected something like a zombie.”

Director Hammel didn’t seem old enough to have been around when the emergence happened. “You were around during the emergence?”

“I look younger than I am. A consequence of magic. But yes, I was. I was young, though. I made it my goal to own this cemetery and the funeral home so I would have access to all of the vaults and their secrets. This is the important mausoleum, though. More importantly, the residents are important.”

“Except you moved them,” I muttered.

He laughed at me. “I moved them up a floor. They’ll be fine. I’ll put them back after my work here is done. You were always overly concerned about the departed. They’re dead. They don’t care what happens to their body. Now, about this Eoghan Olin. Tell me about his habits.”

In retrospect, I supposed I had cared a lot about the departed, more so than the other staff at the funeral home. While the departed who got up vexed me, they deserved our best. I’d have to think about that sad reality later, turning my attention to Eoghan. Which of his behaviors counted as a habit and which were his attempts to adapt to modern society? “He gets up early in the morning, and he typically dislikes being out after dark.” The dislike of being out after dark part fell into the blatant lie category, but I’d yet see him sleep in longer than I did—or sleep at all. “He was relieved when we got back after a late outing.”

“What was the nature of the outing?”

Great. I couldn’t just up and say the devil had popped in for a round at the mall. Even if I spoke the truth, the director wouldn’t believe me. “We went to the grocery store and the mall to pick out some necessities for him. His clothes weren’t precisely modern, but he’s prissy, so it needed to be suits. Everything has to be the best with him.”

“How can someone like him afford things like that?”

There was no way I’d reveal those secrets to Director Hammel. “I guess he has an inheritance or something—or the CDC is so thirsty for knowledge they’re footing the bills. I was given a bank card to use in his name and teach him how to use, and that’s all I care about.”

“I guess someone like you would know how to manage money quite well. You’ve always done a superb job any time I’ve put you in control of finances at the funeral home. In a way, I regret I had not better used you before it came to this.”

“You said you’d let me go after you got the information.”

“Not precisely, but yes, I will keep my word. Once I am finished with my business here, I will relocate you to somewhere more appropriate and leave you alive and for someone to find. I will even keep to the spirit of the agreement and make it so you have no trouble recovering from your time with me. That is more than you deserve, and it is the best offer you’re going to get. I recommend that you continue cooperating.”

“I am. Cooperating, that is.”

“You are. You were always smarter than your resume suggests. A pity, that. You never told me why you lack a diploma.”

Well, maybe the truth would convince the asshole to let me out alive—and make him more inclined to believe my lies. “My parents cleared out my college fund on vices, and I had to work to eat. I couldn’t finish school because I couldn’t make enough to pay the rent and eat. They keep trying to get more money out of me. I don’t know why, though. I don’t have any money to give them.”