Page 37 of Grave Humor

“Beds are much more comfortable than couches. You can afford a bed, and I have a room upstairs you can share with Gordon. I can also turn the basement into a bedroom, too. There’s nothing down there, but we’ll have to clean it somewhat.” I checked the map for the location of the open grocery store, tapped on it, and had Lady Luck guide me to my honey rocks. While open, the grocery store parking lot was abandoned save for two other vehicles, and I parked near the front doors so I could run in. “We probably shouldn’t leave the truck unattended.”

“Lucifer warned me you would be worried, and he told me no one will notice anything in the truck.”

Well, then. “Come on out, then, and I’ll show you the grocery store. It can be another lesson about the modern world.”

With a little luck, we wouldn’t run into anything else crazy, but all bets were off in a world ruled by magic. Once, it had rained frogs because a gorgon passing through town had thought it was a good idea to try her hand at practitioner magic.

“Is it not just a type of market?”

“It is a type of market, but it won’t be what you’re expecting.” I led him inside and headed for the fresh produce section. Sure enough, the devil had spoken the truth; honey rocks waited for me along with other types of cantaloupes, honey dews, and watermelons. I grabbed a cart, and I began the tedious process of checking for the best honey rocks. I picked four, thought about all the times I’d wanted one and couldn’t have them, and got four more. I might turn into a honey rock, but I would regret nothing. I refused to regret anything.

Eight honey rocks would fall to my gluttony.

“What are these?” Eoghan asked, picking up one of the honey rocks I’d considered, which would hit the perfectly ripe phase in a day or two.

“These are honey rocks. These are the melons over all melons, the reason I would do my best to have the dead cooperate when they got up. Every time I had a little extra money, I would get one. That was rare. I will dine like a queen.”

Eoghan gave the melon a cautious sniff. “And this tastes good?”

“I fucking love them.”

Eoghan turned and put his in the cart. “You spent a long time considering this one, so you should get it, too.”

“You’re right. I should definitely get it. How does this compare to what you know?”

“This is very orderly, and there is no one watching for thieves. Why are there no guards?”

I pointed at the ceiling corners where the surveillance cameras watched over the store. “Those are cameras, and a store employee is monitoring everything. It’s an honor system with some digital policing. Should someone be caught stealing, the police will be called.”

According to the antique’s expression, he likely believed the world had gone mad, and he wasn’t wrong. While still staring at the camera, he picked up another honey rock and went to place it in the cart.

“You have to check if it’s good first, Eoghan.”

That drew his attention from the security camera, and he mimicked how I’d sniffed the melons. “What is it supposed to smell like?”

I picked up the best of my honey rocks and handed it to him. “Like this. Also look at where the stem used to grow. See what that looks like? See how the netting around the rind is nice and thick? These are the signs of a good honey rock.”

Eoghan examined the one in his hands, wrinkled his nose, and after some thought, he put it back and then sorted through the others until he found one matching my ripe one. “Like this?”

“Like that,” I confirmed.

He added it to the cart with the others. “What else should we acquire?”

“Chocolate pudding.”

Eoghan laughed.

We bought half the grocery store thanks to Eoghan’s curiosity, although I’d managed to mostly steer him to the shelf-stable sections. I’d need another refrigerator and freezer if I allowed him to get everything that caught his interest. I got my chocolate pudding, instant mashed potatoes because he couldn’t believe a foil packet could contain what started out as a round potato, a bag of potatoes because potatoes made his world go round, carrots because I wasn’t having potatoes without them and they weren’t the right color according to him and couldn’t actually be a carrot, canned foods of too many types because cans intrigued him, coffee, and tea.

Then when he sighed over the utter lack of mead to be found, I made one final pit stop to the last open liquor store in the area. Mead wasn’t common, but the place had a few bottles, and I got that for him along with some ales and wines, as those were what he knew.

I expected he’d get an unpleasant surprise when he tasted them, as I doubted our current alcohols came anywhere near to what he’d drunk so many years ago.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t prove to be a drunk, but I’d find out soon enough.

Gordon waited on the front step when we got back, and his mouth dropped open at my truck. “What is that?”

I hopped out of the cab and gave the hood of my baby a fond pat. “This is Lady Luck, and she’s my truck. I bought her with Eoghan’s money, but I’ll repay him for her eventually.”