Page 36 of Grave Humor

The devil shrugged. “I tried, Anwen.”

He had, and that amazed me. “How do we pay you for the phone plan?”

“I’ll have one of my minions get in contact with you after we go to the store and pick your phone. And best of all, you can replace your phone at any cellular store. For some reason, mortals try to avoid offending my delicate sensibilities. I’m not sure why,” the Lord of Lies lied.

“Right. All right, Lucy. Let’s go get your random act of kindness done so you can resume annoying your daughter. It just wouldn’t do to annoy you, would it?” I shook my head at the insanity of it all and led the devil and the antique into a cell phone store, hoping for the best but expecting chaos and possibly some brimstone to go with it.

Eight

These are strange times.

The devil lacked in common sense, and because he didn’t like my cheap purse, he bought me a Prada. I regarded the red leather in confusion. As that wasn’t enough for the Lord of Lies, he insisted on dragging us both into the computer store.

I did give him credit. The store employees scrambled whenever he made a request, and it took less than thirty minutes to acquire two desktops, two laptops, several tablets, four monitors, and a ridiculous number of cables. The math made no sense to me, but I kept my mouth closed.

Had I kept better control of my thoughts, the devil might have forgotten about the television, movie player, gaming console, and games.

To complicate matters, Eoghan and the devil argued about who would be paying the bill. The cashier grinned at the mayhem, and I wanted to climb behind the register and disappear.

“You two are worse than children,” I muttered, and as I lacked self-preservation skills, I snatched the devil’s credit card out of his hand and gave it to the cashier. “Use this one. It’s a punishment for bad behavior in a public place.”

Lucy frowned, staring at his empty hand. “Are you sure you’re not already friends with my wife? She used that one on me last week. She also asked if I was raised in a barn. I thought that was particularly amusing.”

“Were you?”

“Heaven, a barn… close enough.”

The cashier swiped the devil’s credit card, printed a receipt, and held it out along with a pen. “Sign here, please.”

The devil signed. “Eoghan, I recommend you keep a close eye on your woman. She will take you for everything you own and then some if you let her. She is naturally versed in the art of cutting a deal—or making demands and expecting them to be fulfilled to her likings.”

I rolled my eyes at that. “Or I just got tired of your shit and solved the problem.”

“Same difference. Now, if you could bring your truck around, we can get this loaded and send you home. As I have been thoroughly amused this evening, I will work a little devilish magic to keep everything in the bed of your truck where it belongs for the trip home. The grocery store down the street is open and has what you want, so do make sure you swing by there on the way.”

Honey rocks. Like a dog offered a steak, I drooled. I swallowed and failed to control the impulse to lick my lips.

The devil laughed at me, and as soon as he handed over the signed receipt, he waved me away. “Off you go. I’ll guard your loot and have a chat with your antique.”

Eoghan scowled. “I am not an antique.”

“You’re one of the oldest living things on this planet. You most certainly are an antique, and you’re lucky that the lady here has no issues with age gaps, because the gap between you? It’s utterly ridiculous. And I thought the gap between me and my wife redefined insane. But no, you’re even worse.”

That implied Eoghan had existed before even the devil, and I raised a brow at that. Before either could bring me into their posturing, I escaped, marching across the mall to retrieve my truck and bring it around the building to load everything into the back, questioning everything about my changed life. By the time I made it back, Eoghan glared at the devil and the devil smirked. As the store was still standing and none of the purchases seemed damaged, I decided to ignore them, lowering the tailgate and going for one of the lighter boxes so I could at least look like I was helping get everything loaded.

Once everything was in, the devil snapped his fingers, and ribbons of blue fire lashed everything down. “Once you’re home, just give the end a tug, and it’ll come out. Don’t worry. It’ll only sting a lot, and it’ll help your arm heal a little quicker, too. He hates when I use holy fire for frivolous things. This is about as frivolous as it gets.”

With that, the devil vanished with a pop and a faint hint of brimstone.

“I told you the mall could get weird,” I announced, getting into my truck and unlocking the door so Eoghan could join me. He did, and he buckled up as he’d been taught. “I was not expecting him to show up.”

Lesson learned: I would not invoke the devil’s name unless I could accept him showing up at his leisure.

“The world has changed.”

Poor Eoghan. “I’m sure it has. But think about it this way. I just goosed the devil for thousands of dollars in really, really cool stuff, and after we go to the grocery store, we can haul it all into the house, set up the important things, and have dinner. I fully intend on having some pixie dust before bed, too. I need to get you a bed.”

“I find your couch to be quite comfortable.”