Page 151 of Puck Me Back to Life

The way he'd spoken about William like he deserved every ounce of suffering he'd experienced.

I'd known he was depressed. I thought I understood how bad it was. I didn't. Not even close.

My first instinct is to demand an answer. To take his hand and tell him he's never allowed to do this shit again. The words rise halfway to my mouth.

Then I look down at him. Kai is barely holding himself together after everything tonight. His eyes are already closed. He's finally relaxed enough to sleep.

I bite my tongue. This isn't the moment. He wouldn't hear me. He'd only hear shame. Probably run away and do it again.

No, I can't let that happen. So I swallow the questions. Instead, I carefully pull the blanket back over his legs until the cuts disappear from view.

My hand lingers briefly against his hip.

“I'm here,” I whisper, though I don't know whether I'm saying it for him or for myself.

He makes a sleepy little sound. Then, without opening his eyes, he scoots even closer until his forehead rests against my collarbone.

Complete trust.

Complete surrender.

The irony is almost unbearable. He trusted me with every vulnerable part of himself tonight. Yet somewhere inside him, he's carrying something so painful that he'd rather turn that hurt against himself than let anyone else see it.

My heart pounds.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Push too hard, and he'll retreat. Pretend I didn't notice, and I could lose him.

The thought arrives without permission.

Lose him.

A cold panic settles low in my stomach. I think back to the first time I saw him.

Quiet. Detached. Always standing a little apart from everyone else.

Now this.

The cuts.

This isn't someone having a bad week. This is someone who's been drowning for a very long time. And somehow, for reasons I don’t yet understand, he chose me to see it.

I tighten my arms around him carefully, making sure not to wake him.

He sighs in his sleep. His breathing remains slow and even.

I lie awake with Kai safe in my arms, staring into the darkness and trying to figure out how to save someone who doesn't yet believe he's worth saving.

15

Kai

The drive to the rink is quieter than usual. Rain from yesterday has given way to a cool, overcast morning. The roads are still damp, reflecting the gray sky in uneven patches as cars drift through downtown traffic. I rest my forehead against the passenger-side window and watch the city slide past in blurred streaks of concrete and brake lights.

Today is the day. I'm going to see Noah Grove again. Not in a photograph. Not as a name sitting in my inbox. In person.

The thought settles like a stone in my stomach.

I keep trying to tell myself it'll be fine. He's another hockey player. Another teammate. I'll have to learn to read on the ice. My brain doesn't believe any of it.