Page 97 of Loverboy

It wasn’t enough to steady me.

I struggled to focus as the conversation went on around me, watching in a daze as everyone’s mouths moved, every word turning to white noise by the time it reached my ears. Mom and Blane laughed at something Jasper said while he moved with ease, filling my plate with food before starting on his own.

Did the way he did it for me reveal too much?

Or did I simply look like a child?

I stabbed my fork into the mashed potatoes on my plate, the paranoid voice in my head much louder than everything else. I was spiralling too fast, too hard. I stuffed a bite into my mouth, trying to remember how to chew.

Until something Jasper said made me choke.

“I think we’re gonna renew the lease at the apartment and stay there.”

42

Jasper

THE ONLY PERSON surprised by what I’d said had been Milo. He punched at his chest, eyes glossy as he forced the food down his throat and reached for a glass of water. I didn’t miss the way Mom’s eyes found his bandaged hand, or the way they slid to mine immediately after, looking like she was deciding whether to ask about it.

“Are we?” Milo’s voice pitched high, never giving Mom a chance to speak up if she had planned to.

“I’m already moved in,” I reasoned. “It’s closer to work and school than here, too.”

I bit into a sliced carrot, taking in the initial reactions before wading into deeper waters. I’d have a much easier time staying calm myself if Milo weren’t on the verge of total mental collapse, but it was what it was. Keeping our feet pressed together and our knees touching under the table kept me grounded. I hoped it would do the same for him.

“Look at us,” Blane piped up from across the table. “All grown up and stuff, leaving the nest.”

Something in my chest loosened. I was grateful for the buffer Blane provided, even if he didn’t realize it. I’d only invited him for dinner, sparing him the details on what it was really about.

Mom’s reaction was more or less what I expected. A flicker of disappointment, before shaping into what looked like relief. She’d known the day we all left home would come eventually, and I’d already been gone a while. I wasn’t exactly breaking the news to her twice. She’d cried the first time, both over the news that Milo had tried to take his life and that I was stepping up to be there for him by moving in with him until his lease was up.

I wouldn’t let myself feel bad about it. This was what I needed to do.

“I think that’s a good plan for the two of you right now.” She smiled sadly.

It made sense. We all wanted to make sure Milo didn’t go off the deep end again. That was the easy part of the conversation, the one nobody would bat an eyelash at. It was what came next that was hard, hard enough that my palms had begun to sweat.

Mom wasn’t the type of woman to abandon her children. I believed that wholeheartedly, and yet, I was still nervous. I’d meant it when I told Milo I’d run away with him if that’s what it came down to.

“Yeah,” I continued, easing into it. “It’s easier to keep an eye on him this way, too.”

Fuck.

Closer, but not enough. It shouldn’t have been so difficult to say it. I wasn’t ashamed of us—only afraid of the off chance that someone would react poorly, and he wouldn’t be able to take it. I wanted to protect him from that, too.

Milo looked like he might bolt. I could feel it in the way his leg bounced next to mine, and instinctively, I put my hand over his knee to still it, just like I did every other time. It made things worse. He paled, his leg jerking away from mine, knocking the underside of the table. I cursed under my breath as dinnerware rattled, the air almost too thick to breathe in.

“Do you remember when we first took Milo in?” Mom’s voice tore me away from my rapidly unravelling brother.

“Of course.” I coughed, reaching for my own water and taking a sip.

“You guys were so close that I had to pull you aside and ask if you two were dating,” she said casually. “I thought you’d tricked me into moving your boyfriend in at thirteen.”

I nearly did a spit take.

“Yeah, I remember that.” I laughed, a horrifically awkward laugh.

The water went down all wrong.