Page 57 of Loverboy

Maybe that’s all it was to him. I was being an idiot, and he was stopping me from being an even bigger idiot. Nothing more than another fire for him to put out. Meanwhile, I was coming undone, obsessing over how it felt being intimate in a way we’d never been before. It happened so easily, and an extremely loud part of me wanted to pick apart the meaning behind it until there was nothing left.

The onslaught of nerves churned violently in my stomach as I stared into my coffee, searching for answers to the questions I couldn’t bring myself to voice. I wasn’t going to let myself ruin everything—so I shoved it down and pretended I could be normal, too.

“I work tonight. You going to be alright by yourself?” Jasper shifted gears, and though his tone was casual, the subtext was anything but. He was waiting for the inevitable relapse—something that could do more damage than smoking and drinking ever could.

“I’ll be fine.” I shrugged, sipping my coffee and looking out the window.

Of course I’d be fine. I wouldn’t be thinking about hurting myself, not when I was too busy imagining what it might be like to swallow my brother’s cock, or having unhinged and intrusive thoughts about the various ways he could fuck me into the furniture.

Maybe I needed an exorcism.

“Blane wants to go out for dinner for his birthday tomorrow.” He changed the subject, scrolling through his phone. “You gonna come?”

Jesus Christ.

How could I forget?

Jasper’s mom had taken Blane in a few years after me, even though we didn’t have the space. We’d made it work, just a handful of dysfunctional kids and a mother with a heart the size of the sun. Blane had moved out before me and seemed to find some purpose in life through hobbies like travelling, biking, and taking in stray cats—five of them, to be exact. Part of me thought maybe if I had that many cats, I’d feel like living too. Probably not. It was impossible enough to take care of myself, let alone someone else.

I tried not to let seeing my brothers thrive make me feel even worse, but it was hard when it seemed like I was the only one who couldn’t keep it together. I wanted to be more than a waste of space. I wanted to be worthy.

Guilt pooled in my gut. I’d never been good at remembering birthdays, but I’d also never been so absorbed with my own bullshit that I forgot Blane’s birthday.

“Milo.”

“Yeah,” I rasped, the word so thick in my throat that it almost didn’t come out. “I’ll go, for sure.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked.

“No,” I said quietly.

“Okay.”

Silence followed, but it wasn’t the uncomfortable kind. The low-pressure check-ins when my mind slipped away from me made me feel seen. My coffee was already lukewarm, but it felt like a heated blanket had settled over me.

Just as easily as he could make me feel like I was losing my mind, Jasper could quiet the chaos in me. It was just another reminder of how I couldn’t fuck this up any more than I already had by acting crazy. He was too important to lose.

“Do you need anything?” I blurted.

“Uh, what?” Jasper’s face scrunched up.

Context, Milo.

“Fuck,” I muttered. “Like… stuff?”

“No?” he said slowly.

I frowned, my leg bouncing impatiently. The moment of peace had been fleeting, already slipping away from me as the next anxious thought crept in. I set my mug on the coffee table and sighed in frustration. It shouldn’t have been so fucking hard to make coherent sentences.

“You don’t need to do anything for me,” he said, phone forgotten.

Even with his reassurance, I still wanted, no, needed to do something for him. It was the only way to make myself feel like I deserved to have him in my life. If I couldn’t be useful, why would he stick around? Certainly not for my award-winning personality.

“Please?” I gripped my knees to still their tell-tale nervous bouncing.

“I’ll think of something, alright? Will that make you happy?”

I nodded hesitantly.