Page 29 of Loverboy

“Fine,” he agreed. “Can I at least invite Oliver over?”

I rubbed my aching shoulders, one after the other, mulling over his request. The fact that he was asking at all instead of just doing it was good. But Oliver?

“You should really give him a break,” I suggested bitterly. “You know that kid’s obsessed with you. Don’t confuse him by inviting him over all the time.”

“He’s fine,” Milo argued. “He’s got a girlfriend right now, so I think he’s over it.”

Yeah fucking right.

If Milo suddenly became interested in Oliver, that girlfriend would disappear in an instant. But even if it wasn’t on purpose, he’d only break my brother’s heart, and that was enough to make me hate him.

“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t work tonight. You don’t need him.”

“But Oliver takes care of me,” Milo whined.

Seriously? I took care of him.

“Oh, because he’s done such a great job of that already.” I gritted my teeth, trying not to show how offended I was by his declaration. If I had been there, Milo would never have overdosed in the first place. It wouldn’t have happened with me.

“There was nothing Oli could have done.” Milo wrapped his arms around himself. “You know how I get.”

I did know. If Milo wanted to do something, consider it done. He was impulsive to a fault, and it was a struggle to keep up with him. Still, I blamed Oliver. He should have seen the signs, should have been more diligent.

I was mad at myself for the same reasons. As soon as Milo told me his girlfriend had left, I should have had my foot in the door. I shouldn’t have kept my distance.

“You need to slow down. Let your body heal.” I looked away from him, focusing instead on a wellness poster on the wall. “Whatever Oliver does for you, ask me instead. I told you to rely on me.”

Out of the corner of my eye, Milo looked conflicted. He was still fighting me, refusing to let me in fully. I hated how he so easily attached himself to one person after another, depending on anyone but me. Jealousy pooled in my gut like sludge.

“Back rubs?” he asked suddenly.

“What?”

“Will you give me back rubs? Feed me? Pet my hair?” He batted his lashes.

I felt a flash of heat. He was so fucking embarrassing.

“I guess I can do that,” I conceded, pushing my glasses up. “For the record, I pet your hair, like all the damn time.”

With a satisfied glint in his eyes and a childish smile spreading across his face, he settled back down on the hospital bed and stared at me silently. The sight of him feeling something other than gut-wrenching suffering gave me a shot of dopamine. I’d do anything to keep him smiling like that—no more tears or broken hearts.

Whatever he needed to feel safe and loved, whatever he needed to stay here in the world of the living with me, I’d give it to him. One way or another, I would show him that the only option was to live.

13

Milo

EVERYONE COPES WITH breakups differently. For me, the easiest thing to do was lose myself in other people’s attention. I always had a long list of people hovering around me, waiting for me to be single. It was a cruel joke. My instability was exciting, dangerous, and fun. People liked the idea of me, but only when that was all it was—an idea.

After every failed relationship, I told myself I’d try something casual, but I was delusional. There was no way I could do casual, not when the only time I ever tried a one-night stand ended with me crying. Without the emotional connection, everything felt wrong.

I didn’t usually use dating apps, but I installed one after I was discharged from the hospital for the third time. I spent a good twenty minutes in bed, swiping left and right through men and women. I’d never actually been with a guy before, but I had a sickly, gaping void to fill. All attention was good attention.

“Jesus Christ, it’s barely been a couple of weeks, Milo.” Jasper’s disembodied voice scolded me from behind, and when I looked up, he was standing over me and peering down at my phone.

“What’s your point?” I shifted on my bed and glared at him, locking the screen and letting it go black. “You said not to have anyone over, so this is the next best thing.”

“Oh, so I’m the reason you have to browse dating apps twenty minutes after you got out of a shit relationship and nearly killed yourself? Nice.” He didn’t hold back.