Page 54 of This Time Around

I can’t even move to break it up. I’m stunned and motionless.

“Knock it the fuck off. Both of you!” Knox yells. He grabs Cash by the shirt and pushes him towards the door. “What the fuck is he talking about, Cash?” he continues under his breath as they make their way outside.

“I have no fucking clue,” he responds as they exit the front door.

I look over, and Luke is whispering something in a hushed yell at April. I make my way over to tell them to leave, to take it somewhere else, but it’s no use. Everyone is already staring and caught up in the drama.

Embarrassment sinks in, and I think that is crueler than the shame.

Well Fuck…

“Come and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away”

-Toni Braxton

Blake

To say last night didn’t go as planned is an understatement.

I’m not really sure April is actually dating Cash, but I’m having a hard time reconciling what my eyes saw and what my heart believes.

I’ve been laying here in bed awake for the last hour mindlessly scrolling my phone while I replay every detail trying to unravel the truth from what I believe, but they are so intertwined at this point I can’t tell them apart.

Every time I close my eyes, all I see are faces staring at me, mouths agape as Luke punches Cash. Amari rushed over to me asking what she should do. The rest of the girls scurried around picking up trash and started putting things away.

Luke’s parents stood motionless, like me. Frozen, trying to take in the shitshow unfolding in front of us.

Ana’s eyes were darting frantically between me and April.

The thoughts make my stomach turn. I close Instagram as a text comes through.

Ana: Ready to talk?

I don’t even respond. I just hit her contact on my phone, waiting for it to ring. She picks up before the first ring can even finish.

“First, are you ok?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“What the fuck was that about? Blake, why didn’t you tell me something happened?” she wonders, sounding a little desperate for answers.

“Him and Knox are boys. I didn’t want to make shit weird,” I explain.

“Well, we’re girls, and I would have killed him. And-you failed. Shit got weird anyway.”

“I know.” A long exhale punctuates my mood. “I knew you would kill him, and as much as I hate him, I didn’t want you to go to jail, pregnant no less, over some shitbag. No one wants to have a baby in prison, Ana.”

“I could do it.” Those are her only words. Her silence stretches, waiting for me to unload all of my secrets.

“We hooked up after your wedding. He got weird and left abruptly afterwards. He said some douchey shit before we hooked up about not being here for a long time, just a good time. I should have known right then and there, but was pussy blind.” Before I continue, I take a long breath again, “I opted for a late checkout to avoid the walk of shame the next morning, and when I got to breakfast, he was behind me talking shit to some guy. I just wanted what you have so badly. I thought he was the right guy. It’s ridiculous and I’m ashamed of myself-I know better. I swore off guys, thinking I was the problem. Thinking I need to be different in order to be worthy of love. My guard was up with Luke at first, and he knew it. When I told him why I was so guarded, he lost his shit. I made him promise to leave it alone, and then he saw Cash with April and lost his shit all over again.” I let out an enormous sigh.

Ana is silent for a few seconds and then finally responds, “That’s a lot. Ok. Let me make sure I’ve got this straight: aching pussy equals pussy blind, which equals hook up with a douchebag who says fucking douchey shit. Then turns into you feeling bad about yourself and Luke going all primal on his ass over it because now he’s moving in on his sister.”

“Pretty much,” I confirm

“Wow. I can’t believe he’s so different from the boy next door persona he gives off in public,” she adds.