Page 60 of Tangled Sails

Her entire body was pressed to mine, and something about the pressure grounded me.

“Breathe with me,” she whispered, and I obeyed.

For such a small woman, her strength was impressive and profound. In less time than it had ever taken before, my breathing and my heart slowed, and I regained my composure. I could have pulled back, but once the discomfort was gone, I realized just how good it felt to be wrapped around Lyri. Not because she was helping me, but because she was precious to me.

I drew back just enough that I could look into her eyes and drink in her features. What would it be like to kiss her? my head wondered. Heaven, my heart replied. For once they were in agreement, and I had the sudden desperate urge to tilt her chin up and press my mouth to hers. I leaned in, but caught myself. I couldn’t do that. She was comforting me. I couldn’t take advantage of that by turning it into more. So instead I pulled her close again and just held her. I blinked back tears as the pleasure of holding her combined with the bitter ache of not being able to make her mine.

“Dorian dragged you into this?” I finally asked. I should be angry at him for disregarding my wishes, but my relief was too profound.

She pulled back just enough that she could look up at me, her eyes swimming with uncertainty. “Why is she here?” she asked in a tiny voice.

I pinched my eyes shut, wanting to kick myself. Of course she was upset about Saria. “It wasn’t my idea. Dorian was there, in Ravencairn. He was interested in her, but then she decided to come here. I guess because…because…”

“Because she thought you’d be king soon, and she saw an opportunity?”

Her words slapped me across the face, not because they were cruel or biting—they weren’t—but because they rang with such truth. How had I not seen it? Saria wanted to be queen. I was going to be a king. And yet…was I any better for considering a union with her for the exact same reason? I was going to be king. I needed a queen.

I was no better than she.

In fact, I was worse, because right in front of me was a woman whom I loved and who obviously cared deeply for me. “I didn’t know what to do,” I admitted, my whole body feeling heavy, as if it wanted to surrender to either sleep or death right in that moment. “You saw…you saw how I fell apart.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t do it, Lyri. I’m…incapable of ruling on my own. I thought…” There seemed no excuse for the fact that I’d honestly considered marrying the princess, but I wanted to explain, and I hoped she would understand, if only a little. “Saria knows how things work. She’s been raised to be a queen. I thought she could help.”

My body went suddenly cold as Lyri stepped abruptly out of my embrace, her face blanketed with such pain and torment that it physically hurt me to see it.

“Why didn’t you ask me to help you?” Her mouth trembled as she asked it.

“I couldn’t.” The words were pathetic, unworthy of either her or me.

“You needed help, and you didn’t ask me. But you asked her?” Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears as she took another step back. “You prefer her over me?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why?”

“I don’t want to use you.”

“What are you talking about? It’s not using me.”

“It is,” I insisted, determined to tell her the truth, determined to do what was right, instead of what I wanted. “I needed you, and I came to you day after day so that you could fix me,” I spat in disgust. “How is that different from the way the villagers used you for your gift?”

She tilted her head, quiet for several moments before answering. “Is that what you think?”

“It’s what I know!”

“Well, you’re wrong. You never used me.”

“Yes, I did. I needed you.”

“And I needed you!”

My head told me that those words should have made me feel used, and yet my heart latched onto them, proud that she would see me in such a way, and more than willing to fill that role. We both stared at one another, our breathing labored.

“I don’t have very much experience with…friendship,” she said in a much calmer tone. “But I think that what we had was friendship, wasn’t it?”

“Of course.” Even if I wanted so much more from her.