Page 72 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Oh! Wow. Sounds. So good. Lot of . . . dates.”

With my free hand, I saw my water bottle sticking out of Tadhg’s backpack and leaned forward to grab it for dear life. That was something, at least. A few sips and a few minutes to let Tadhg talk while I collected myself were going to leave me right as rain, don’t think about rain, and then I could talk to Jackie again like a normal human.

“Leon said that you texted to cancel his date tonight. Why was that, then, Tadhg? Is Maya too tired? Have you been running her ragged all over the countryside?”

I spat the water out. And it flew in a great spitting geyser in every direction. And one of those directions was Tadhg’s face, which, because I was holding the phone out to him, was only about six inches from my sprinkler mouth.

“What are you doing?” Tadhg wiped his face with his shirt and we swerved a little, but there was, I could tell from the extremely close proximity, what looked like a slight grin tugging the corner of his mouth. “Would you be careful, you mad cow?”

“Hey now. You be good to that lovely girl, do you hear me?” Oh, he’s been good to me twice already. “Behave yourself.” Or don’t. “Now, I made her a promise that you were going to take care of her every need.” My eyes rolled to the back of my head, and I was in literal pain from holding my stupid mouth shut. “She’s in charge now, so you do as she says, isn’t that right, Maya?”

“Oh, don’t worry, he’s been taking care of my every need, all right.”

Tadhg’s eyes shot to mine, and they were wide with what looked like genuine terror.

What’s wrong with me? I’ve lost my actual mind. Maybe all that vigorous sex-making shook some wires loose.

He shook his head. He. Will. Know, he silently mouthed to me.

“Well, now, that’s a very interesting tone, Maya. What do you mean, he—”

“Bye, Da. Driving. Shouldn’t be on the phone.” Tadhg snatched the phone from me and hung up with one hand still on the wheel. All of this was dangerous driving. “That was not funny.”

“I’m sorry. It was an accident! I’m no good at keeping secrets! I warned you. I just blurt shit out. My brain short-circuited.” I started to laugh. “It actually was pretty funny.” That look on his face!

“You think this is funny, do ye?” That made me laugh harder. “You don’t know that man like I do. If a drunk lad at a bar so much as bats an eye at a woman, anywhere in the world, Jackie Kelly feels it in his waters.”

By the end of this speech, I was laughing so hard I had doubled over. “His waters?” I wheezed. Finn started barking.

“Oh yeah. Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying this so much, you complete nutter, because you’ll be the one dealing with the consequences.”

I couldn’t breathe to respond.

“Just go back to sleep, for Christ’s sake! You were a lot less trouble then.”

Chapter 17 An Experiment in Not Knowing How to Conduct an Experiment

When we got to the inn, we went to our separate rooms and ordered food to be brought up from the pub. By then my hysteria had left me, and I had sobered up to the reality of the situation that I had caused. I attempted to make a clear protocol for what should happen next, but reason failed me and made my head hurt. I chose instead to double my weight with pub food, take a long shower hotter than the center of the earth, and go to sleep for the rest of my life. But first I did the inevitable.

“Thanks for calling Simone’s Care Home for the Criminally Undateable. Can I interest you in a Celibacy Suite today?”

“I mean . . . what’s the application process? ’Cuuuz I may not qualify anymore.”

She gasped. I smiled and covered my face with the duvet.

“What? You had sex? With who, Maya?” This was literally shouted so loudly that I had to hold the phone away from my face. “Did you have a good date?”

“Um. Well. It wasn’t a date, exactly. It was . . . Tadhg.”

“WHAT?” This was even louder. “Brick House Brian?”

“Okay, calm down. You’re going to rupture something.”

“But you said that you hated each other, and you told me . . . Hold on, I’m going to read your actual text.”

“No, I remember, you don’t need to—”

“‘Don’t get excited, Simone. I would rather drown myself in a Taco Bell toilet than go on a three-week road trip with this overfed goon.’”