Page 4 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Simone: Ooo.

Maya: That’s right. So, we’re trying a few new methods—last week I went with my mom to temple, so that she could throw me at men, which was harrowing, and will be next week’s episode while I’m busy traveling. And yesterday I actually let my parents set me up with their friend’s son, and we all had dinner together.

Simone: What do you mean “all”?

Maya: My parents, his parents, and the two of us.

Simone: Holy shit. That’s a triple date from hell.

Maya: Actually, the parents were the best part. They were pretty funny.

Simone: And the date?

Maya: Oh, a total disaster.

Simone: Thought so.

Maya: I have also tried other age-old methods, which you’ll hear about the following week, but the focus of this season’s episodes will be—buckle up—my traveling across the world to find love offline, the old-fashioned way. With a matchmaker. In Ireland.

Simone: A matchmaker, you say?

Maya: That’s right, Simone. A fourth-generation Irish matchmaker will be totally in charge of my love life for the next month.

Simone: So this is personal, right? This matchmaker is going to spend time getting to know you and find out, say, how you eat spray cheese directly out of the can, and then he’ll scour the country for gentlemen who he thinks could love you in spite of the cheese.

Maya: Yes, exactly! His name is Jackie Kelly, and he’s actually invited me to go stay with him at his country cottage for the first week, until I get my bearings.

Simone: Wow. He’s going to regret that.

Maya: And I’m starting things off with a bang—

Simone: Let’s hope so.

Maya: Don’t be crass, Simone, it’s beneath you. But yes, with any luck I’ll meet some sexy Irishman and be screaming Erin go bragh before the week is over. Wink.

Simone: Please don’t say “wink”—we’ve talked about this.

Maya: But they can’t see it.

Simone: Tell them about the damn festival, Maya, before I quit.

Maya: Okay! So, I’m leaving next week because . . . drumroll, please. I will be willfully participating in the traditional Matchmaking Festival, which happens once a year in County Clare, where singletons come from all over Ireland for a shot at love.

Simone: Amazing.

Maya: Right? It’s just too good to be true!

Simone: This whole thing is just . . . adorable.

Maya: I don’t know how I feel about a big dating festival, but after last year I have serious app burnout, so I’ve got to give it a try. Plus, I’ve never been to Ireland before. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a big hit over there!

Simone: Sure. Maybe they like emotionally stunted women who refuse to fold their laundry.

Maya: Exactly!

Simone: Men of Ireland, you heard it here first. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Maya: Oh! And I almost forgot. I’m really excited about this part. Instead of dating experts to guest-host every episode, I’m going to interview real-life couples who have had their match made by my matchmaker. I’m hoping for some great stories here. And hopefully some advice about love and life that I can apply to my own dates.